Crack collection
by Lord Farsight
Summary: When Hinata use the castration palm to defend Naruto and Ramen saves the world, you know you entered the world of randomness. Come! Rame won't be built in one day! And now with lemon !
1. For the Ramen Empire !

_**Author Note**__Hello people, it seems that, in my haste to publish, I forgot to add the author notes. I shall beat myself with a methaphorical stick for this. i also noticed a few errors and ... well, forgotten words ^^" So I'm gonna correct it along the way.  
_

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The whole arena was cheering for the chunin hopefuls. The competitors were the most promising from Suna and Konoha … Well, for those present. A good half of the competitors were missing. The whole Sand team had disappeared three weeks before the third phase, both genin and jonin, Sasuke was late and the local prankster was nowhere to be seen, and if it wasn't enough, the Kazekage had yet to arrive. In the stands, Hinata was worried beyond measure, surely Naruto couldn't have abandoned.

As the proctor called the first match, all the contestants went to their lodge, except for Neji, who remained in the field, smirking. However, just as the last competitor left the arena floor, an explosion of fire occurred. Out of the fire, a chariot pulled by four oversized toads appeared, and on the chariot stood Iruka, wearing a strange armour made of bands of metal with some kind of leather skirt, and Naruto, dressed in a crimson toga with a white tunic underneath, and on his forehead, instead of the Konoha headband a crown of laurels rested.

The blond stepped off of the chariot, taking three stpes in the arena before looking at Neji with boredom. The chariot suddenly took off again, the ribbiting toads dragging it through another explosion of fire and disappearing. A moment of silence followed, and Naruto turned his head to the proctor.

"Could you begin this? I have better things to do."

Genma, dumbfounded by the child's insolence, only nodded dumbly, gesturing for them to begin with a motion of his hand. Before Neji could launch himself in a rant on fate, a massive explosion of smoke occurred, the clouds of chakra-smoke disappearing quickly, revealing three hundred Naruto wearing the same armour as Iruka with a helmet added and three with slightly more ornamental armours and crested helms.

"Centurion Narutus, attack on the left flank, Centurion Narutus, you shall take your clones to strike the left flank. Centurion Narutus, you will concentrate on the front. Now go!"

"Ave! For Emperor Narutus the First! For the Ramen Empire!"

And at once, before a bemused crowd, the three battalions of metal clad Naruto began closing in on Neji. After some bashing with their gigantic rectangular shields, Neji was captured and forced to kneel, of their strange spears resting on each of his shoulders while his arms were restrained. Once he was secured, the real Naruto came closer, standing tall above the downed prodigy and a clone offered his short, straight broadsword to the original. Naruto took the sword and placed it against Neji's throat.

"It seems you failed."

The match was quickly called, and the clones dispelled themselves. In another explosion of fire and ribbits, the chariot reappeared, but this time with the Tsuchikage, Raikage and Kazekage hats nailed to it's flank.

"Ah, praetorian Iruka! How is the conquest going?"

"Prelate Gaara, Temari and Kankuro have conquered Suna, Wind shall be a province of the Empire! They are now going North to link with the forces in Earth. Iwa also fell to Senator Teuchi and Legate Ayame's legion, they are currently strengthening our hold on the country. Tsuchikage Onoki surrendered to avoid the destruction of his village. Legate Fu crushed resistance in Waterfall, Grass and Rice, forcing Taki, Kusa and Oto into submission and, as per your orders, Orochimaru was executed. Lightning fell to Senator Tsunade's legion, and Kumo was defeated by legate Sasuke and Kakashi's legions and the Raikage A executed, as you requested. As promised, Hot Water joined the Imperial banner as soon as the signal was given."

"What of Senator Jiraya and the 69th legion?"

"They are in a brothel sir!"

"Perfect! Hopefully it will keep them contained. Now, I only need a beautiful and exotic looking queen but still smart queen!"

Naruto then performed a few handseals and a puff of smoke appeared above him. Out of it, Hinata fell with a surprised 'eep' right into Naruto's waiting arms. No longer was she wearing her green jacket and blue pants, she was now clothed in a pure white dress hugging her form and falling to mid calf, her arms were left nude, and various jewellery had appeared on her. A quite big necklace did what the dress failed to do, that is, cover her cleavage with a patch of gold with incrusted gems. On her forehead rested a circlet, a snake head protruding from it, and bracelets made of gold were at her wrist.

A blushing and lost Hinata began poking her fingers as she looked around, trying to comprehend what happened.

"Now, to our capital! Rame won't be built in one day!"

Naruto stepped back onto the chariot, and it left again in an explosion of fire and ribbits.

Sarutobi kept staring at the arena floor for a few seconds before a long sigh escaped his lips.

"I'm too old for this shit."


	2. He is MINE

Naruto cursed Pervy Sage yet again. They were supposed to look for some chick and the idiot had gone to perv, leaving him alone in their hotel room. By the look of things, he wouldn't be back anytime soon. With a sigh, Naruto sat on his bed, trying to remember had which point in his life he had annoyed a deity. His musing was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"'Bout damn time!"

Opening the door, he prepared himself for a long, very long rant on his teacher's pervyness, but stopped dead in his track when he saw who was outside. A guy looking a hell lot like Sasuke and some kind of fishy guy, both wearing big black cloaks, exactly the type of cliché cloak a bad guy would wear.

"Naruto, you will come with us."

Now, Naruto was seriously freaked out. The fish dude talking about cutting his legs wasn't really reassuring either. He took a step forward despite his best efforts not to, and it dawned on him. Genjutsu. _'I'm screwed.'_

Then, the impossible happened. Out of nowhere came a cream and blue blur.

**'Eight trigrams : Castration palm'**

The blur revealed itself to be Hinata, who had just slammed chakra enhanced palms in both men's crotch, causing them both to faint from the pain.

"Back off bitches! If someone must abduct Naruto-kun, it will be ME! Go get your own you freaks!"

With this, she shoved Naruto's face between her growing breasts, keeping it in place with both hands while glaring at the two newly minted eunuchs. Naruto, meanwhile, was quickly understanding just how useful Jiraya's books could prove.

Speaking of the perv, he finally arrived, only to see that danger had passed. Gazing at Hinata, he calmly met her fiery glare.

"The perv is strong in this one."

* * *

_**Author Note**_

_Well, here's the second author note of this little crack collection. This one is quite important in fact, because it is a call to YOU reader. If any cracky idea comes to you, no matter the scene, and as long as NaruHina is not endangered, I am open to hear you out._

_No matter how stupid the idea is, no matter how much you wish you didn't had it, tell me._

_Credits will be given if required, annonymus crackiness is still welcome._

_This story was created as a way to purge all cracky ideas and eventually get a laugh out of a few persons, so don't worry, no matter what your cracky thing is, it can't be worst than mine._


	3. Ramenstein

_**Author Note**_

_And here's chapter 3. I guess I should apologize for the miserable attempt at a plot to cover me practicing lime but ... Well, it's a Crack Collection !_

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Jiraya had always despised his former teammate's work with a passion rarely matched. So he hadn't hesitated to descend upon one of his abandoned lair when he had discovered it during Naruto's training trip … Alright, he had went to peep while instructing Naruto to destroy everything inside, now you happy ?

Anyway, through unknown means *cough* Naruto had, during the event, got a hold of a very interesting scroll, one detailing research so against the rules of nature only a true madman who think of it : the creation of life.

Indeed, in this blasphemous scroll laid the secret to imbue life in an inanimate matter. How such discoveries had been made, and why it had been abandoned, no one but the old stones of the laboratory's walls could tell … and they weren't in the mood to talk.

But these questions went unheeded, for Naruto resolved himself to try himself at life creation once he returned to Konoha, and finally the time had come. On this dark, stormy night, all the conditions had been gathered and the experiment had been launched. Amongst the cracks of thunder, the laws of nature were once again broken, and from a sinister vat, a beast arose.

"IT LIIIIIIIIVES!"

From below, the ominous sound of a broom hitting a ceiling was heard, closely followed by the evil bellowing of some untold beast of hell.

"Quiet boy, we're trying to sleep here!"

Humbled by the beastly cry, the young scientist turned back to his creation, his creature, his child, his … ahem, back on track. Naruto gazes on the creature, it's noodlely limbs, holding the life-broth that animate it, looking deep in it's shiny and intelligent ajitama (eggs cut in half). Nodding to himself, Naruto feels satisfaction at his success, for he created the first Ramen Golem.

"Now, to test your intelligence, hmm. What to ask? I could ask him to go fetch me Konoha's most beautiful girl? No, not in the middle of the night, it … Hey, where are you …"

"Guooooooh …"

Without any other sound, the being of ramen left through the window, disappearing into the night. Naruto felt sweat form on his forehead. He didn't doubt that Sakura, or one of her violent friends would be brought back, and it would be the end of him, painfully so. The passing minutes felt like hours, until, finally, the beast came back.

But, held in it's noddlely embrace was not Sakura, nor any of her friends, but one distressed and surprised Hyuga heiress, wearing nothing but a slightly transparent purple nighty and purple panties, gagged by a particularly large piece of pork meat. And she was drenched in broth, with some noodles in quite inappropriate places. Between the natural appeal of ramen and the absence of any bothersome bulky jacket, Naruto's libido had found the Ultimate Turn-on. So powerful was the call of desire that Sakura, or any form of romantical attraction to her, had been chased out of Naruto's mind by scantily clothed, pitchfork wielding Hinatas. But Naruto was strong, so he controlled his urge.

"F-free her."

The creature obeyed, and the nature-chakra-enhanced noodles bounding Hinata (and quite marvellously pushing her chest up) loosened, leaving the drenched, embarrassed, and surprisingly not freezing Hinata (despite a slightly chilly night air) to land safely on the ground. She, of course, proceeded to try and keep her modesty, covering what she could with her arms and hands.

Naruto, in an effort to take his mind off of the epitome of sexiness standing in his room (a curvy girl covered in ramen, what do you expect of him?), turned to his creation.

"Go back in your vat, and don't come out until I say so."

"Guoooh."

The lumbering creature then returned to the vat Naruto had built in the corner of his living room using the Evil Scientist Little Kit salvaged from the Snake's hideout. Turning back to his unwilling and blushing guest, Naruto managed a sheepish smile.

"Err, sorry about that, I didn't intend to have it abduct you or anything."

"I-it's okay." Was Hinata's quiet reply as her gaze locked on her feet, desperately trying to ignore the fact that she was almost naked in front of her crush.

"W-well, I'll give you a few clothes and get you back home, can't have you out all night, huh?"

Hinata merely nodded and, just as Naruto did, stepped towards what she assumed was his room, hoping to get some dry clothes. But that placed her within range of Naruto's nose, and this time, the young blond couldn't resist.

His hand moving faster than an Inuzuka away from a bath, he snaked his arm around her waist, pulling her close to him. Ignoring the strangled squeak of surprise, he placed his face in the crook of her neck, inhaling deeply the delicious mix of Hinata's smell and ramen.

"Now that I think about it …" Naruto left a few kisses on her neck, savouring the taste that accompanied it. "… I don't want you to leave."

"N-naruto-kun?" Was all Hinata managed to squeak before hungry lips pressed against her own. After that, it didn't take long before Hinata succumbed and began kissing back, enjoying the feeling of Naruto's hands exploring her body.

After what felt like an eternity of kissing (around five minutes), the blond moved his head back, looking deeply in her pale lavender eyes, lust overwhelming his blue ones. Then, he began kissing her neck again as his hands went to her nighty's straps, pushing them off of her shoulders as the drenched piece of fabric fell to the floor, exposing Hinata's body to the cool night air and Naruto's lustful gaze, eliciting a gasp out of the young heiress.

"N-naruto-kun, w-wait …" Hinata's protests were interrupted by a loud moan as Naruto began attacking her chest with passion. "…I-I'm s-still *moan* c-covered in b-broth."

"Not a problem."

Naruto then began to thoroughly clean her, but of course not before taking his own clothing off, it would be stupid to get it dirty. After cleaning her upper body, he brought her to the bed and began cleaning her lower body. However, his ministration were stopped when Hinata's last piece of clothing fell, for he had discovered a new taste, and as a true gourmet, he had to explore all of it's possibilities.

But a true gourmet isn't satisfied with the first taste, and so, he spent so whole night discovering this new flavour, sometimes calling in a clone or two to help him, much to Hinata's delight.

Later on, this ramen golem proved to be a boon for both Konoha and Naruto. First, it restrained an enraged Hiashi, saving it's creator, until a betrothal between Naruto and Hinata could be signed (much to the later's joy and the first's … well … joy too, considering what kind of things Hinata had agreed to.)

The golem was also responsible for the capture of one Uchiha Sasuke, the destruction of Hidan and Kakusu (thus saving Asuma's life), and the execution of the Snake sannin Orochimaru. However, all these deeds were overshadowed by the beautiful sacrifice it made during the Fourth Shinobi War. When Obito Uchiha and a newly revived Madara Uchiha unleashed the Juubi upon the Shinobi Alliance's forces, it was the golem that sacrificed his life and spilt it's broth to restrain single handedly the Juubi while Naruto sealed it inside himself.

His last Guoh was for his creator and his fiancé, thanking them for giving him life and treating him like their child. And so, a hero had fallen, and the world was saved by ramen.

The end.

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_**Author Note**_

_Congratulation if you are still here and do not want to kill me._

_Well, that is what happens when you mix frankenstein and ramen._

_If you think I need a mental check up, hit Sasuke, if you think I have a twisted mind, hit Sakura, if you want more NaruHina hit Madara (with a mallet), f you want some Kyubi randomness hit the review button and give me ideas. Works for other characters as well.  
_


	4. Foxy gift

**_Author Note_**

_Well, here's the fourth chappie, this one was actually requested, though the guy (or girl) didn't want to be named. You-Know-I'm-Taking-About-You, I hope you like it ^^_

_And by the way, I want to thank my awesome beta, Syynex, once more. All hail Syynex! For he allows crackiness to reach you without too many errors! Praised be the divine Beta!_

* * *

Naruto's birthdays were often sad during his childhood. There were very few people to wish him a happy birthday, and he rarely received any gift he could keep. Sure, the free ramen was always nice, but he wanted something he could keep with him for a longer time than just digestion. Happily, there was someone that understood that.

He didn't know who, but someone was hellbent on leaving a nicely wrapped present at his doorstep at each of his birthdays since he was eight. Each time, he had kept it preciously. First, it was his night cap, at the time it was so big it would often fall on his eyes, he still remembered the note with it. _'That way you can grow and keep it.'_ But what really made it special, in his opinion, was that, if you turned it inside out and used the little metal stalks that came with it, you could turn it into a Hokage hat, and that was a present he really loved.

Next, it was his wallet, Gama-chan. He had received it the same year he had received his first allowance personally, without anyone to mess with his money and steal from him. This note had struck a cord with the reference to his hero. _'That way, Yondaime-sama's summons can protect your money.'_ Another gift he loved.

On his tenth birthday, it was his orange jacket, an article of clothing he had wanted to buy for a long time, but never had the money for. He didn't know why, but orange always lifted his spirits, so when he had received the gift he was ecstatic. This time, the note said _'I saw you looking at it, I hope you like it.'_

On his eleventh birthday, it was his goggles, with a note saying _'now you can protect your eyes during pranks'_ and a very accurate layout of a shop that refused to sell him anything a few days before. One of his best pranks so far.

On his twelfth birthday, he was a ninja, and received a light but resilient chestplate. This time, the note read _'Hopefully, this will help protect you. I can't bear to lose you.'_ This note had sent him into overdrive. Now he saw another reason why this person helped him, it wasn't just from the goodness of their heart, they loved him!

He wanted to meet this person that smelled of lavender, like the notes, but he didn't had the occasion to set up a way to see who it was, because he spent his next three birthdays on the road. And when he came back, there wasn't any present. That had slightly depressed him, but he couldn't do anything about it if that person had forgotten him.

So, when he opened his door on his sixteenth birthday to see a nicely wrapped scroll, he almost leapt in joy. Quickly taking it and going back in his apartment, he completely forgot about the little get together his friends had organized. Unwrapping the scroll, he was surprised to see that it was labelled _Hot Chick summoning contract._ Seeing this, he paused.

"Why would anyone want to summon warm baby chicken?"

Shrugging it off, he opened the scroll and signed. After all, that person's previous gifts had always been nice, so this one had to be too. Once everything was done, he went through the handseals and slammed his hand on the floor of his living room, a spectacular explosion of smoke following. As the wisps of smoke slowly disappeared, his mind went blank and his face went red.

He could see more and more white skin, not Sai's sickly white, more like …

"H-h-hinata?"

And indeed, in front of him, laying on the ground in an exaggeratedly sexy pose was Hinata … Naked. With fox ears, a bushy fox tail and fox paws. And a VERY hungry look in her eyes. Naruto began to struggle with his inner pervert, fearing for his virginity.

"H-hinata-chan … W-what are you … doing here d-dressed like that?"

Hinata got up, every one of her movements pushing up her ample assets in a hypnotising dance of flesh. Once on her feet, a smirking Hinata slowly and sensually made her way to Naruto, her hips swinging as she walked towards him.

"I couldn't give you anything the last three years so I'm making it up to you." She purred as she pressed herself against him, causing him to almost lose control over his inner pervert. Somewhere in his mind, he registered the fact that the gifts were from Hinata, and drew the logical conclusion: Hinata was in love with him. And something was making her act like that, though he couldn't begin to guess WHAT could have this kind of effect on her, as far as he knew, which was far more than he wanted thanks to Jiraya, there were no known female aphrodisiac.

Suddenly, he felt something soft and warm under his palm. Looking down, he saw that it was one of Hinata's breasts. The Hyuga, looking up to him, slightly blushing and with a heartmelting smile on her face, slowly moved closer, giving him all the time he needed to refuse and jump back. But he didn't, in fact, he began to lean closer as his anti-perviness defences were crumbling away.

"What the hell is taking them so long?" Screamed Ino in frustration. "I mean, I can understand Naruto sleeping in, it's his birthday after all, but Hinata too? Heck, I thought she'd be up all night and morning with the amount of coffee she drank!"

Neji's head wiped in her direction. "She drank WHAT?"

"Err, coffee. She was kinda tired so I offered some to her. She really likes the stuff."

Neji sighed, defeated. "We won't be seeing them before at least mid afternoon."

"WHAT?" Came everyone's reply … well, except Tenten, who was looking knowingly at Neji. The Hyuga prodigy saw that he had no choice but explain.

"We Hyuga seem to react in … a peculiar fashion … to coffee."

"What fashion?" pressed Ino, suspicious. The answer came from Tenten.

"The best fashion." Everyone turned to her, seeing her perverted grin, her blush, and Neji's blush.

"Wait … you don't mean …" trailed off Sakura. With yet another sigh, Neji decided to remove all ambiguity.

"Coffee acts as a powerful aphrodisiac for Byakugan wielder, regardless of sex. From what I know, Hinata-sama has a … strong liking … for Naruto. So…"

Naruto was slightly lost, one moment he had his shirt and pants on, the next he was seating on his couch, shirt gone with his pants and boxers at his ankles. There was a wet and damnably pleasurable feeling around his manhood, and the part of his brain that still worked told him it was probably Hinata's mouth if the fox eared, bobbing mass of blue hair was something to go by. The same part of his mind was screaming at him to stop her, that it wasn't right, that she wasn't herself, but that part was very VERY far from the forefront of his mind. Right now, it was focused on how skilled Hinata was with her tongue.

Under her ministrations, his inexperienced self couldn't hold the pressure for long, and with a long, drawn out moan, he felt himself explode in her mouth. To his surprise, she seemed quite happy to swallow everything that got out, and she then took great care to clean him with her tongue, causing a new wave of pleasure to crash through him. Once she was done she crawled up to him, pressing her curves against him at every occasion she got, increasing his arousal to an almost painful point.

As she sat in his lap, gazing lustily into his eyes, he could feel something very wet pressed on his (not so) little boy. Hinata's lips met his once again in a heated kiss. When she pulled out of the kiss, a slightly dazed Naruto idly noticed that his hands were resting on her backside. Hinata, blushing and smiling happily, pushed her chest up.

"You can play with them if you want."

She moved her hands, still encased in the fox-paw gloves, from his shoulders to his neck, gently pushing his face into her breasts. Naruto let instinct take over as he began sucking on one of her breasts, licking at one of the nipple taunting him. Hinata threw her head back, sucking in a breath. As Naruto continued kissing her bosom, she began rocking her hips on his manhood, causing moans to escape his throat as a smile blossomed on her face.

A little bit of reason came back to Naruto, and it told him Hinata was still in control enough to give him a choice, so he decided to go with the flow and enjoy this rather unusual present, beginning with the breasts he was offered. His right hand left Hinata's rear to caress her left breast, causing delighted moans to escape the midnight haired beauty. They played around like that for a good ten minutes, but Naruto wanted more, much more, his lust wouldn't be sated by a bit of groping around. So, he returned his hand to her rear and lifted her, aligning his manhood with her sex, ready to impale her. Hinata feeling this pressed softly on his shoulders, earning a slightly surprised and disappointed look from Naruto.

"Love, I want this as much as you but … I promised myself I'd have my first time in a bed so … You mind taking me to your room?"

The last part was purred sensually and accompanied by a slight humping motion on the head of his throbbing member. Naruto didn't need any more convincing, he rose from his seat, stepping out of his pants and boxers as Hinata wrapped her legs and arms around him. He could feel her moistened sheath pressed on the top of his sword, and it drove him nearly insane. Pressing her against him, he began kissing her neck as he adjusted to their combined weights and began walking as fast as safely possible to his bedroom. He wouldn't want to fall, that would be the ultimate mood breaker.

They quickly reached the welcoming embrace of his bed and fell into it, Naruto quickly relocating his mouth to her lips. When he pulled out of the kiss, he decided to get rid of the fox gloves, he wanted to feel her hands without the fabric interfering, so he moved is hands from her hips to her wrists, caressing every inch of skin along the way, and he peeled the annoying pieces of orange fabric from her hands. After that, he returned to kissing her and quickly relocated his hands to her tights as they squirmed in the sheets, pushing them aside to lye fully on the bed, with a good bit of groping and making out along the way. Once their position was somewhat satisfactory, he gazed into her eyes, seeking approval, and met eagerness.

Hinata's legs wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer, as one of her hands went down, grabbing a hold of his sex. He shivered and closed his eyes at the touch, her hands were incredibly soft. With a soft smile, happy of the effect she had on the man she loved, Hinata began guiding him into her, moaning as he entered her slowly.

Naruto stopped when he hit an obstacle and, having spent three years with the perviest man in existence (somewhere, Jiraya felt proud) he knew quite well what it was. He looked once again into her eyes, wanting to be absolutely sure before doing this to Hinata. The heiress gave him a smile.

"Naruto-kun, I love you with all my heart, I wouldn't want any other man to have my first time. Do it."

And with that, she pulled him into a kiss. Getting the message, Naruto gave a powerful thrust, breaking through the barrier and causing Hinata to groan in discomfort. Naruto kept kissing her, pulling her close to his body and, wrapped in his arms, Hinata began to relax. After a minute or so of kissing and cuddling, Hinata rocked her hips a bit, signalling for Naruto to begin to move.

If the feeling of her around him was good, this one was absolutely incredible, and if Hinata's moans were something to go by, he wasn't the only one with this opinion. Moving in and out of her, Naruto was delighted to see that Hinata looked positively elated.

"Y-yes, take me my love, ooh, I've d-dreamt of this f-for so long."

Naruto loved the sound of her voice, the feel of her lips and skin against his. He noted to himself that he could get addicted to it. A part of him hopped he would. Hearing her declarations of love only served to motivate him to go faster, eliciting more moans and loving words from the blue-haired princess.

And, at long last, he felt his limit approaching.

"H-hina-chan, I-I'm going to …"

"Y-yes my love, j-just a bit more! Yes!"

Their lips met in a passionate kiss as they experienced the glorious pleasure of a shared ecstasy. Basking in the afterglow, they snuggled more into each other, seeking comforting the warmth of their newfound lover, but in doing so only managed to fan the flames of passion as skin brushed against skin. Naruto felt slightly embarrassed when he felt his member growing hard again, and he gave a slightly apologetic look at Hinata. To his surprise, the once meek heiress didn't seem displeased at all, quite the contrary in fact.

Kissing him deeply, Hinata rolled them both so that Naruto was on his back with her straddling his hips. Pulling out of the kiss, Hinata sat up, still joined to Naruto, giving him a beautiful and highly arousing view of her chest. Gazing lovingly at his face, Hinata smiled gently.

"Naru-kun, there's a little more in your present, could you lend me a clone please?"

The way she acted sent a shiver down Naruto's spine. She was talking with a completely innocent voice, but her behaviour was miles from there. She had that sensual smile that made him want to take her, she was slowly grinding her hips against his, stimulating slightly his erection, still encased in her most private parts. He did the only logical thing his lustfilled mind could think of. He summoned his clone just behind Hinata, and said clone, barely summoned, immediately pressed himself against her back, kissing her neck as his two hands went to knead her breasts as a happy smiled made it's way to Hinata's lips.

One of her hands went behind her back and, judging from the clone's expression, gripped his manhood. Hinata began to rise herself, detaching herself from the original Naruto, getting a groan of frustration out of both their throats. Then, she aligned the clone with her entrance. The clone, quickly understanding, slammed into her from behind, causing a scream of delight to escape her. Then, she pushed the clone out of her, ignoring his confused expression as she impaled herself back on the original, sighing in contentment. Then, she began to guide the clone to her other entrance.

"Hina-chan." Said the clone. "Are you sure?"

"Don't worry my beloved, I trained all night for you."

Hearing this, both Naruto had an image of Hinata playing with her back entrance coming to their mind, increasing their already impressive hardness. The clone finally relented, and began to penetrate Hinata, causing her eyes to widen and a gasp to escape her lips. Once both Naruto were completely in her, she took a moment to adjust to the new feeling. Another smile blossomed on her face.

"Incredible, Naruto-kun is even bigger than I thought."

The original was now tired of just laying there, so he sat up, putting his face at the perfect height to kiss her breasts while his hands remained on her hips, and he did just that, causing Hinata to moan in pleasure and to begin moving her hips. The feeling was similar, yet different from what he felt when he was alone in her, but he didn't dwell on that thought, he would rather enjoy the wondrous feeling, Hinata's moans and the very welcome come back of her loving words.

For a good 15 minutes, they moved together, Naruto and his clone having come to a silent agreement to cause Hinata as much pleasure as possible, and so far their combined efforts were quite successful since Hinata was now openly screaming Naruto's name and love calls in pleasure, making the last part of Naruto's mind that wasn't turned towards the young woman's pleasure bless Jiraya for putting up his privacy seals (somewhere, Jiraya felt prouder).

Finally, as Hinata climaxed, tightening around both of her lovers, they let go, filling the moaning heiress a second time as the clone dispelled, his energy spent. Naruto shivered as his memories flooded him while Hinata collapsed on him. A bit tired, he felt the need to rest a bit and laid back down on the bed, his lover cradled in his arms. A gigantic smile was on her face and, even though her eyes were closed, he knew she was still awake. Her arms then moved to hug him, pressing her against him.

"You didn't have to do that, it's your birthday." Despite saying this, her voice was devoid of any scolding and instead filled with gratitude and love, a mix he loved hearing, especially in her voice for some reason. Naruto chuckled, causing her to look at him curiously. The blond then smiled foxily at her and gave a playful squeeze to her backside, causing a blush to come to her face. "It's my present, I do whatever I want." As an amused smile made its way to her face, Naruto dived in for another kiss.

This one was more peaceful, more serene than it's lust filled predecessors, and if Naruto was right, there was also some longing on Hinata's part. He didn't knew how he picked it up, he just did. He didn't want her to feel anything bad, not on this day, not on their first day. The still rational part of his mind noted that he now wanted more time with her, and it honestly wasn't complaining. So, to quell Hinata's possible negative thoughts, he poured all his love into the kiss, and Hinata answered in kind. Naruto felt all traces of longing disappear, replaced by love and a peaceful joy.

When they finally pulled out the kiss, they realised that this impromptu make out session had resulted in a very hard problem making itself known inside Hinata. The heiress looked a bit hesitantly at Naruto.

"Naru-kun, do you … want to go another round?" She had tried to hide the hope in her voice, but Naruto had picked it up. Good thing he felt up to the task.

"Yeah. You have something in mind?" Hinata bit lightly her lip, thinking about what she'd like, and thinking back to the unique way the clone had taken her when she had lubricated him.

"Could we … do it doggy?"

Naruto smiled, kissed her and pulled out of her, maneuvering them so that he was behind and Hinata on all four on the bed. He noticed that she still had her fox-paw sockets and removed them.

As he aligned himself with her, he began teasing her flower. Causing her to gasp and moan. He then slowly inserted the head of his member and stopped there.

"Love, you got it all wrong." Hinata, surprised, looked back at him. She saw him looking at her with a gigantic smile and with a good hold of her fox tail. "We're doing it foxy!" Naruto then slammed in her causing Hinata to yell in pleasure.

Both were panting, in bed, tangled in the sheets. Hinata, comfortably snuggled against the blonde's chest, her head above his heart, was blushing, but had a brilliant smile on her face. Naruto was equally smiling, enjoying the warmth of Hinata's body against him. Finally coming down from her coffee-high, the young heiress looked up at her love with a hopeful smile.

"Umm, Naruto-kun … did … did you like your gift?"

Naruto took a few moments to think of his answer. She had given him her first time, had been quite vocal about her feelings for him during their … activity, and had made his life better for the last eight years. But he wanted more.

"Depends of what's exactly in the gift."

"What do you mean?" Asked Hinata, slightly worried.

"I want to know if what you said during … I want to know if it's true." He said, gazing into her eyes. She knew what he was talking about, and she knew what her answer would be. Now that she had finally admitted her feeling to him, and about fifty times at that, she was confident she could tell him. She looked at him in the eyes, a soft smile on her face.

"I meant every word of it. Everything. I love you with all my heart, Uzumaki Naruto. And today, you made me the happiest woman on earth." Hinata then kissed him softly.

Naruto felt elated, it was all true, he had someone who really did love him. He wouldn't chase Sakura around anymore, neither of them really wanted a relationship anyway, now he would completely concentrate on the beautiful and loving woman in his arms. And he would make her the happiest person in the village. Hinata had barely pulled out of her kiss that Naruto was already diving for a new one, a smile on his face.

As Neji had predicted, they didn't got out until late afternoon. On this day, the Rokudaime Hokage and his wife traced their destiny. And coffee definitely earned it's place on their favourite drink list.

* * *

**_Author Note N°2_**

_The original idea was to have Naruto summon a fox-girl Hinata with an evil glint in her eyes instead of a toad, with Naruto then fearing for his life. Since I don't really like rape (in either way) I twisted it a bit. I hope ya like it :3_

_Oh, and the idea-giver requested the lemon._

_Now, if you have nice crack ideas, hit the review button or the PM link and tell me. Please, make them as clear as possible and keep in mind that I'm french, so I might not get some things._

_And if you want more NaruHina, then hit Madara. Look, I even tied him up so he can't escape ! Now please choose from this wide assortment of weapons._

_*points to an armory*_

_The medieval weapons are on the left, the modern ones on the right, do have fun !_


	5. They came from below

**_Author Note_**

_Well, here's another one, a shorty this time. I wanted to make something about the Uzumaki and ... well, that came up. _

* * *

Long ago, before the founding of the ninja villages, but not to long before, a terrible threat arose. From below the oceans, creatures of pure evil stepped forth, intent on crushing the land-dwellers. The Ra-men, creatures of terrible cruelness, attacked with ruthless abandon, killing countless fighters, maiming many others.

Faced with such a threat, the dispersed ninja clan had no other choice than join their forces in an effort to drive the invader back, but even the alliance of the mighty Senju and Uchiha could not stop the beasts, and both Hashirama and Madara were gravely injured. When everything seemed lost, a beacon of hope appeared on the horizon: The Uzumaki.

With chopstick and guts, they had fought back the noodlely invaders, crushing their advance, and even taking ground. The Ra-men were in disarray, for a single Uzumaki could wolf down an entire battalion of their troops before being incapacitated.

Galvanized by this exemple of bravery, the other clans sent their most gluttonous members to support the Uzumaki onslaught. Most notable, the Akimichi clan as a whole joined the fight, charging wholly into the fight, two chopsticks in each hand.

As the war went on, the earth ran wetter and wetter with broth, but never did the Uzumaki stop. When finally the invader had been pushed back into the sea, the Uzumaki and their allies created devices to hunt them down even under the water. The Ra-men were completely and utterly annihilated.

After the last noodle of the last foe had been eaten, Tetsu Uzumaki, leader of the clan, gave an inspiring, if a bit short, speech.

"Burp."

And this is how the Uzumaki saved the world and brought peace to the world under their caring and rightful rule.

* * *

**_Author Note N°2_**

_And now, onto the next one !_


	6. Bone release

_**Author Note**_

_A second very short one, but hey, I give what I make._

* * *

Gaara was troubled. That alone was not a good thing. But now he was troubled in the middle of a fight, and that really wasn't good. Looking at his opponent, he tried to understand how he could evade his sand with such ease. Perhaps it was because he had total control over his bones … But what troubled him the most was the total and absolute determination in his eyes.

"Why are you serving Orochimaru?"

"He found me; he gave me a purpose, to fight for him. Besides, my only other career option was as a porn actor."

Silence fell on the clearing. Then, both Gaara and Lee reacted as one.

"WHAT?"

"I have the bone release, so when I get a raging boner, it's litteral."

Silence settled in the clearing, until a growing rustle of leaves made them all turn towards Konoha as, out of the bushes came … Jiraya, with a red and white stripped top hat. As the sannin skidded to a stop, he gave a gigantic perverted smile, pointed at Kimimaro and, as a patriotic music kicked in along with the red and white spinning stripped back ground, bellowed.

"I want YOU in my next film!"

Silence fell over the clearing once again.

"I'm … Ill and dying."

"I'm friend with the greatest medic in the world."

"I'm … supposed to serve Orochimaru-sama."

"You'll be paid to fuck some of the hottest girls in the world."

"Where do I sign?"

As the two left for Konoha to have the bone user examined, Gaara and Lee looked at each other.

"Let us pretend he was convinced to join out side after an epic battle and a heartwarming speech."

"Indeed, it would be much more youthful."

With that, they went for the Valley of the End, and helped Naruto to kick Sasuke's sorry ass back into the village, thwarting the pedophile's plans yet again.

* * *

**_Author Note N°2 PLEASE READ !_**

_I noticed that an awefull lot of my one-shots were revolving around Naruto and ramen, and I'd like some variety, so please people give me ideas for cracky one shots. I take everything as long as Naruhina isn't in danger and as long as I have the opportunity to put some humor at some point._

_No matter what you want, I'm sure I can (try to) do it !  
_

_Lemons, sad stories, whatever but please give me ideas ! I'm running short right now ! I have a possible parody of the chunin exams with Orochimaru coming out, maybe Hinata making a little limey surprise to Naruto, but after that I'll need a LOT of help to get a steady flow of ideas, so please, give me ideas *pupy eyes no jutsu*_


	7. How to deal with fangirls

_**Author Note**_

_I liiiiive ! More seriously, it's been a while, and for this I am sorry. But here's a new chapter ! And once again, it is NaruHina goodness. You know you love it :3  
_

* * *

After he saved the village during Pain's attack, Naruto had become a hero, with everything it entails. Including a fanclub. His prominent role in the ending of the Fourth Ninja World War had only added to that, and it was now a common occurrence to see poor Naruto being chased by a mob of rabid fangirls. And it didn't sit well with one Hyuga Hinata. It was painful to see that Naruto hadn't answered her confession, but in her opinion it was no reason to abandon him in his time of need. The sad thing is … he never asked for help. Until now.

Naruto was cornered, with fangirls everywhere, even ninja fangirls were blocking the walls, and they were swarming him, trying to get a hold of him or of anything even remotely connected to him. And it kind of scared him.

"Gaah! Help! Somebody help!" Cried a distraught Naruto.

'_Now!'_ Was the only thought that went through Hinata's mind. Going through the handseals at a furious pace, she then got a bottle of motor oil out of nowhere, poured some on her palm and slammed it on the ground. In less than a second.

**Summoning jutsu**

The smoke quickly dissipated, revealing Hinata, wearing a strange green metallic helmet, standing atop a metal construct with, the top seemingly able to rotate and bearing a big, REALLY big projectile device. All in all, it was quite clear it was a weapon. And a big one at that.

"Get away from him! Now!"

In a flurry of terrified squeals and screams, the fangirls dispersed. Not sure how long the respite would last, but wanting to give some peace to her crush, Hinata opened the trap door on top of the construct, motioning for Naruto.

"Quick Naruto-kun! Inside!"

Naruto, trusting Hinata, dived for the hole and, upon seeing Hinata moving to close the trap door, dragged her inside, causing a loud eep to escape her, and securely closed it. Once they were both inside the cramped space, they sat on two seats that were close to each other. Once seated, Naruto left out a sigh, before turning to Hinata and smiling softly.

"Thanks for your help."

"N-no problem Naruto-kun."

"No really, it means a lot. By the way, what IS this thing?"

"I … have no idea."

"Meh, no matter. Damn, these girls really are giving me a hard time."

"They just don't understand."

"Huh?"

"I won't lie. *sigh* I want the same thing they do, but for different reasons." She said. "But I think that, if you really love someone, then you mustn't force yourself on them. You must do what you can to make that person happy."

Naruto looked at her for a few seconds, before turning his gaze back to what was in front of him.

"Hinata … Does that mean that … if I was in love with another girl, you would help me?"

Hinata felt a tear roll down her cheek. What she said next hurt her, but she said it nonetheless in a calm and determined voice. "Yes. I'd help you with all I have."

Naruto was looking at her face, studying it carefully. After a few moments, a sad smile came to his face. _'You're just too sweet for your own good.'_

"Well, there's this girl … I've been thinking about her for quite some time. She's got a pale, fair and beautiful skin, long dark blue hair, and those soulful eyes with a twinge of lavender in them..." As Naruto said that, he began to lean toward her, a heartmelting smile on his face. Hinata noticed it, but she also noticed the look in his eyes, and the fact that she perfectly matched the description.

"… She confessed to me during a battle, but I haven't answered yet. I think she's not too mad at me since she just saved me from the fangirls, but still … do you think she's mad at me?" Their faces were almost touching; they were gazing lovingly in each other's eyes. Hinata could feel her heart doing back flips, all traces of its former aches having disappeared. A small smile appeared on her face.

"I don't know … You should say sorry … And I know a good way to do that." She whispered. Their lips met, grinding softly together in a chaste kiss. It was far from ideal, but it was their first kiss, and they would always treasure it.

* * *

Somewhere, in another universe.

"Soldier Jenkins! What happened to the tank!"

"I don't know Colonel! It just disappeared in smoke!"

* * *

**_Author Note N°2_**

_Well, it's done. Not very long, but hopefully it made you smile. This one was also a request fro one of my beloved readers (Yeah, you) but sinceI wasn't asked to give credits, well I'll leave it anonymous. Yep, now, new rule, I you want the spotlights on you as a Hero of Crackdom, you have to tell me when you offer your ideas. ^^  
_

_Anyway, next we'll have some Orochimaru fun._


	8. Orochimaru's coming out

_**Author Note**_

_And here is Snakey, going crazy thanks to your truly :3 I hope you'll like it._

* * *

Orochimaru and Sarutobi were facing each other, determination burning in the old shinobi's eyes while his traitor of a pupil only had content in his eyes.

"Why Orochimaru, Why attack Konoha? You know this attack will fail."

"Kukuku … I have come here … on this day … because it is time for me to be honest … to come out …"

"… you mean you've done this all just to …."

"Yes, to scream to the world that …" The snake gripped his clothes and suddenly ripped them off, leaving him in nothing but a black speedo. "I AM GAY ! Aah, it's good to finally say it!"

"… You do realise it was a secret to no one?"

"Doh!"

"It matters little, Konoha will prevail! Your attack will fail!"

"Or so you think! My troops are experts! They will crush your miserable village! All will fear the Village Hidden in Fetishs!"

As he screamed this, Orochimaru's bodyguards dropped their transformations, revealing that they all bore so kind of disturbing and revealing clothing. Happily, Tayuya's included a gag.

* * *

Perverted and sex crazed ninja swarmed the streets of Konoha, ready to bestow their pervy wrath upon all who opposed them. But there was still hope, for on a cloud that mysteriously appeared, light coming from a projector called upon Konoha's finest, drawing on the dark form of the cloud a square, and on this square, two twin words could be seen, drawn in white in the dark of the square. ICHA ICHA ! At once, all around the village, the Icha Icha corp led the counter attack, men and women of pure *cough* heart rose to defend their home.

These anonymous heros couldn't be recognized despite the lack of clothing, even though some were highly familiar. I mean, that guy there, with his headband over his eye, yeah the one with grey hair and a facemask, he's familiar, is he not? But no one seems to be able to recognize him. And this giant with a white spiky ponytail and some Kabuki warpaints, or that man with a stern expression, sunglasses and his headband on a bandanna, they're familiar, right? Anyway, they dived into the fray, yelling war cries that … sounded strangely like perverted giggles.

* * *

Orochimaru smiled widely, proud of his effect. If Sarutobi's dumbfounded and slightly horrified face was anything to go by, it had worked.

"Ah, if only Minato-kun was still there. *sigh* It was one fine ass he had." Said Orochimaru wistfully, a bit of drool coming out of the corner of his mouth.

**Edo Tensei : pissed off world resurrection**

A coffin suddenly burst through the roof with the chibified face of an angry Kushina on it. The lid was kicked open and there stood Kushina Uzumaki, recently resurrected, and utterly pissed off.

"WHO DARES TO LUST AFTER MY MAN?"

Sarutobi, no wanting to incur the woman's wrath, pointed at Orochimaru. What followed was the most violent beating to have ever been. And the snake cross dresser did not survive. Grumbling under her breath, Kushina went back into the coffin before slamming the lid shut.

Before reopening it once more and glaring at Sarutobi.

"You'd better make sure my baby is safe o r else, I swear I'll make you run for your afterlife!"

Gazing nervously, Sarutobi saw something that made him both relax and smile.

"Why don't you look for yourself? He's over there."

Kushina took a quick look, and a huge smile overcame her features.

"A girlfriend, huh? Nice! You seem to have done a good job. Well, see ya! Oh, and Biwako says hi!"

She then closed the lid, and the coffin puffed in smoke.

The Sand Four, who had been looking the whole ordeal in shock, looked at each other, uneasy. Then, they dropped the barrier and ran like hell. Not an easy feat with leather straps biting into your privates, I tell you.

* * *

Hinata had woken up in the middle of an invasion to the strange sight of an almost empty stadium, with noises of numerous romps in the air, almost as if half of the village had descended into depravity. And it was exactly what had happened, as she quickly noticed when she activated her byakugan. Of course, her face jumped almost to infrared in colour in barely a second as absolutely inappropriate images of herself and Naruto flooded her mind. But she wasn't a pervert, and she knew she wasn't ready for this. Looking around, she spotted Sakura mouth raping Sasuke in a corner, that Temari girl was dragging a screaming and kicking Shikamaru downstairs, muttering something about beds, Neji, who had had the energy to climb up from the infirmary was also in the mood, making out quite passionately with his female teammate, and if she wasn't mistaken, Tenten's blouse was open. Then, she spotted a bundle of blond hair she adored and quickly made her way over to the sleeping Naruto and, being the student of a genjutsu specialist, dispelled the illusion effortlessly.

The blond woke up with a start, taking in his surroundings, his gaze lingering on Sakura and Sasuke for a moment. Hinata expected hurt, or any other emotion, to play on the blonde's face, but he stayed impassive, simply moving his once again. Then he focused again on Hinata, making the young girl blush. In the background, girlish screams of terror and pain could be heard coming from inside a big purple barrier on top of the Hokage booth.

"Hinata? How long have I been out? And what the heck is going on?"

"U-um we're being invaded Naruto-kun … by perverts. Every one is …" With a heavy blush, Hinata realised she just couldn't bring herself to say it. Adverting her gaze, she noted with some amount of interest that Gaara had created a Sand hammock and was lazing around in it, snuggling and kissing with a Sand girl by the name of Matsuri that Hinata had befriended. The young heiress felt joy for her friend, having learned some time ago that Matsuri wanted to 'bring back the real Gaara.' Now, if only she could have her crush too.

Naruto following Hinata's gaze, saw Gaara with what clearly appeared to be a girlfriend. While happy for his fellow jinchuuriki, Naruto also felt slightly jealous. His bad mood must have shown on his face, because he felt a soft and delicate hand cup his cheek, turning his face so that he looked right into the worried eyes of one Hyuga heiress.

"Naruto-kun … Are you okay?"

"Yeah …" Naruto took a deep breath. "Say Hinata, have you ever … had weird dreams?"

"W-weird dreams?" Asked Hinata, blushing at the memory of some of her dreams about Naruto and much lipslocking.

"Y-yeah. I know you'll probably think I'm a creep or something but … well, lately I've … kinda … dreamed of you."

Hinata's heart almost did a triple backflip, but settled for just a double. "Umm … W-what kind of dream?" Naruto looked nervous, so Hinata tried to give him a reassuring smile. And she succeeded, Naruto had quite some trouble keeping his eyes away from her lips.

"Umm … Well after I … visited you in the hospital I've … begun to have dreams w-where I was … Umm … kissing you."

Hinata's shock lasted one second. After that, a disbelieving but happy smile made it's way to her lips. And she asked the only question she could think of.

"Is this a dream?"

"Huh?"

"Nevermind." She whispered, leaning eagerly toward Naruto, and the blond quickly got the clue. And, unbeknownst to them, it was just as their lips met that Kushina saw them.

They spent, the next ten minutes kissing, Hinata finding her way onto Naruto's lap. But it was when Hiashi arrived. The poor clanhead was given the cold treatment by his wife because of the way he treated Hinata, but he had lasted until now by sheer stubbornness alone. But could he really bring himself to be so cruel to his own daughter? Seeing her sightly worried expression as she held more tightly on the blond, he knew he couldn't.

"Hinata, I am relieved to see that you are well. Sadly, I cannot stay, I must make sure the rest of the clan is safe. Naruto-san, should you keep my daughter safe until the end of the invasion, you will be allowed to date her."

Hinata now looked positively dumbfounded. But he didn't had time for that. He had lied, he already knew that the clan was well … even if some of them were engaged in private activities, he just wanted to give her daughter (and nephew) some privacy. Once he reached the rooftop, he took a little pause, contemplating what to do next. Well, until he felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around his torso. He steeled his nerves, determined to remain faithful to his wife no matter what … but it was his wife's voice he heard.

"Oh, I see my Hiashi-kun finally decided to be nicer to Hina-chan, good, now, I should entice you to do that more often, hmm?"

Hiashi blessed his lucky star.

* * *

Kushina, before leaving the realm of the living, decided she wanted to see her son some more, and was quite delighted to see htat the girl had very VERY strong feelings for her son, feelings that the blonde was more than happy to return. Hiashi's little pun was another reason for her to be in a good mood. But honestly, what she was seeing was better than anything before.

"H-hinata, I … I must tell you something, I must before we actually consider going farther."

The young girl, Hinata she was named _'what a nice name'_ looked at Naruto quizzically.

"You heard about … Kyubi being killed, right?"

Now that was going in a direction Kushina certainly did not like. Hinata nodded.

"W-well, it wasn't."

"I know." Both Kushina and Naruto's eyes grew to the size of platters. Then Hinata's face became determined. "And if you think some wet fox is going to keep me away from my man then you're wrong." With that she buried her head in his neck, muttering something along the lines of 'mine'. Now, that was DEFINITELY a girl Kushina could approve of as a girlfriend for her boy.

"_Oh yeah! Go Hina-chan! That's the kind of in-law I want!"_

While Naruto and Hinata began kissing again, an idea struck Kushina. _'All these delicious recipes must not be lost! They will be in good hands.'_ And she began pouring her culinary knowledge in Hinata's mind, discreetly of course. Once it was done, she nodded, proud of herself, she prepared to return to where she came from when …

"_My my, so sad, all of them kissing girls. Why can't they see that females are evil?"_

Turning, Kushina saw Orochimaru's astral projection, still clad in nothing but a speedo, looking at the couples of kissing teens with disappointment. Kushina cracked her astral knuckles, an evil smile on her face. No spirit found sleep this night, for the screams she got out of him were haunting.

After the invasion, many things changed in Konoha. First, Sand apologized, having been played by the snake. Oh, and the Kazekage lost his place. Someone ready to lend the Kazekage hat to visit a bunch of whores wasn't really trusted. Second, the sheer number of pregnancy appearing both among the Suna kunoichi and the Konoha populace stunned both villages. Third, Hinata and Naruto became a couple, and were elected as the cutest couple of the village at the festival following the village's *cough* victory, his overly affectionate behaviour earning him the affection of quite a lot of villagers (and a whole lot of kisses from Hinata). Fourth, Gaara was officially declared sane, and Matsuri was declared to be of public utility in keeping the Ichibi under control. Fifth, Anko earned five roommate,s all of them formerly from sound, Kakashi earned three female roommates in the same case, and many other jonin did too. Sixth, a statue was built to honour the bravery and pervyness of the Icha Icha corp. Seventh, nearly three quarter of the Sound army joined Konoha while the last went to Suna. Eight, Neji got his stick out of his ass. Ninth, Hiashi and his wife returned to a much more healthy relationship, and regularly told the elders to go fuck off. Tenth, Naruto, through a bet, managed to get Tsunade to come back and take up as Hokage after the Third declared he wanted out. Eleventh, Naruto discovered the marvels of fine cooking, and Hinata couldn't help but wonder why she constantly had the impression that a spectral red-haired woman pretending to be her boyfriend's mom was encouraging her and giving her pointers when she was cooking. Pointers that seemed to be strangely accurate. She talked about it to Naruto, and both concluded that his mother was working for his happiness from the afterlife.

* * *

**_Author Note N°2_**

_And here is some Orochimaru crackyness, along with some motherly care. I wanted to place some NaruHina and since Kushina was there, well she just had to do something for her son._

_Hope ya like it ^^_

_Oh, and the epilogue of My Word is Law is almost done. It's kind of short but I can't seem to get much more out of me, Writer's block._


	9. The Holy Log

**_Author Note_**

_And I'm back! Today I present you with a story that I hope will get a smile out of you! I am sorry for not posting anything in such a long time, but I was given a challenge, and my muse heeded it's call. Let's just say my next story won't be as bright and happy as My Word is Law.  
_

* * *

Naruto was confused. During his last mission, in Wind Country, they had worked in cooperation with a squad from Suna to eliminate a group of smugglers. But it wasn't what confused him, no, what confused him was that his teacher has used the substitution, leaving a log in his wake … in the middle of a desert! There weren't any logs in a 50 kilometers radius, where the hell did it come from? So, in confusion, he went to his teacher, hoping for an explanation.

"Err, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Hmm? Yes Naruto?"

"Umm, I was wondering … during the last mission … where the hell did this log come from? You keep them stored in a seal or what?"

Kakashi stopped his reading and actually looked at Naruto, bewildered.

"Naruto, are you to tell me Jiraya-sama didn't induct you?"

"Huh? Induct me? In what?"

"So he didn't. *sigh* Follow me."

Kakashi led him through the village, until they reached the base of the Hokage Mountain; there he led him to a secret entrance. As Naruto followed him through dark corridors, he couldn't shake a sense of foreboding. The corridors were only lit by torches, the silence was deafening, it looked like a classic horror movie, and it freaked him out. Suddenly, the corridors became brighter, and sound was heard, laughter, the hum of many discussions, even some music.

"We're almost there." Said Kakashi, a smile in his voice.

When they entered the room, nothing could have prepared Naruto for what he saw. There was a whole club carved in the depth of the Hokage Mountain! There was an enormous bar, a scene with a band of shinobi playing music, nearly a hundred tables spread throughout the gigantic space, a dance floor, and it didn't even look like it was all. Shinobi and Kunochi every where were talking, playing games and overall enjoying themselves. In a corner, he could see one of the most shocking visions he ever had: Neji, dressed in a beige suite with a black shirt opened on his upper torso, smoking a cigar, with a vicious smile on his face and screwing everyone at poker … without the byakugan.

'_Maybe Ero-senin was right, parallel universes do exist.'_

"N-no Kiba!"

"Aw come on Hinata! It's just for the calendar!"

"I-I refuse!"

Tunring his head, he saw team 8 in the middle of a discussion, and clearly Hinata didn't agree with what Kiba was asking for.

"It's just one photo, don't be like that!"

"B-but I don't want to pose nude! Especially not for something that will be so widely distributed!"

"Come on, even sensei posed in it, and you know how much she hates these calendars."

"B-but after, e-everyone will look at me!"

"That's the idea! That way maybe you'll get a boyfriend."

Naruto felt the need to suddenly hit Kiba over the head, and possibly the first bastard to hit on his Hinata. _'Wait, where the hell did that come from?'_

Kakashi suddenly reappeared in front of him.

"Naruto, follow me, will you?"

Naruto nodded and followed Kakashi, he absent mindedly noted that the group on stage had stopped palying. Maybe they were finished? That thought left his mind when he followed Kakashi on stage. The white haired jonin then went to the micro and …

"Brothers and sisters!" All the room turned to him, curious. "Today, we welcome another stray shinobi in our ranks! For reasons I do not know, Jiraya-sama couldn't induct him, but I have no doubt Uzumaki Naruto, my student, will be a proud member of out community! Let us welcome him in the Order of the Holy Log!"

Loud cheers followed, Naruto was completely dumbfounded. There was, in Konoha's military forces, a sect worshipping a _log_? Of all things it had to be a log? Kakashi tapped his shoulder, and a still shocked Naruto followed him into a backroom that looked disturbingly like a temple. Once there, he was surprised to see a group of jonin, among which Yamato. The man smiled.

"Naruto, I am happy to see you decided to join the Order."

"Err, yeah, 'bout that, could someone explain to me just WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

"Naruto, you noticed that in Konoha, substitution is often used with logs, right?"

"Yeah, so what?"

Yamato opened a reliquary in the back, and all jonin lowered their heads in respect, mumbling something.

"The Log, is what gives us our power, it is of extreme importance. Follow the Log, and it will protect you. Follow the log, and your substitutions won't take you any chakra, they will be faster, almost instinctual. The Log is our friend, and our salvation."

Naruto was completely freaked out.

"Oh, don't worry Naruto." Interjected Kakashi. "Yamato is just a bit hardcore on this. But the advantages are real. Besides, it gives you free access to the best shinobi club of the leaf. So, any questions?"

"Umm, and how powerful exactly is that Log?"

Suddenly, all the jonin puffed in smoke and logs were in their places. A few more minutes of puffing away and the room was almost filled with logs. "Okay I get it, I wanna be inducted."

"Good."

"Umm, last question, a few days back I saw Lee performing some sort of substitution, but it was strange, 'cause it was all green."

"It's a dissident cult, the Church of the Youthful Log; they dressed one of the Log's children in one of those abominable spandex suites and corrupted it. Now be quiet, this is serious matter."

Yamato went to the Log and went on his knees. "Oh Holy Log, thank you for giving us the might to show your Greatness to the unbeliever, please recall your children so that we may begin the ritual."

All the logs puffed away, the door opened again, and Kurenai appeared with her team in tow. A few more teens followed, most of them Naruto had never seen, but he noted that half of the group were women.

"Good, now that we have a complete group, we can finish your induction. You will be paired and sent into side rooms, you must soak in the feel of these rooms, for this feel will attune you to the Log." Said Yamato in his creepy guru mod. The pairs were quickly made and Naruto found himself with Hinata. She looked dead nervous, and he wanted to comfort her, but Yamato said not to talk.

They were led to a small room with a small tree, kept alive by bright lamps. Before they went through the door, Kakashi and Kurenai stepped to them. Kakashi took Naruto aside.

"Naruto, you'd better know, this scent has a habit of making you say what's on your mind and do silly things, and you easily end up saying all you think about the person in front of you, so if you have any bad thoughts about Hinata, that's the moment to back out if you don't want to hurt her."

Naruto looked at him strangely. "What bad thoughts could I have about her? Sure she's shy, but she's cute, nice, and I'm sure she's sexy without that jack … I think the smell got to me already."

Kakashi eye smiled and sent him into the room. Hinata was bright red and absolutely nervous, like she expected something bad to happen. Naruto sat on a cushion near the tree and patted the one next to him. Hinata made a small smile and sat next to him. The scent was nice; it made them relaxed, like all the troubles in the world didn't exist. Suddenly, and anguish came over Naruto.

"Say Hinata."

"Yes Naruto-kun?" Naruto was slightly surprised, her voice was clearly enamored, and she looked at him with a lot of affection, it made him fuzzy inside … well, even more than the strange smell.

"Do you think I'm a good friend?"

"What do you mean?" Now confusion was clear in her voice as she blinked at him and tilted her head to the side.

"Well … I didn't get to know you that much; I don't even know what's your favorite color or food. I feel like I'm a horrible friend." Said Naruto miserably.

Hinata smiled and enveloped him in a hug, causing Naruto to perk up. "We can change that Naruto-kun."

* * *

Two hours later, Kurenai and Kakashi went back to the door.

"So, how do you think we'll find them?" Asked the erotica reader.

"Knowing Naruto's tact, I fear he'll have said something stupid and made Hinata cry."

"Considering what he told me about her, I expect them to be kissing at the very least."

"You don't honestly think they would have gone so far, do you?"

"Who knows? You remember Iruka's induction?"

"Yeah. *snort* Anko almost raped him."

"What stopped her?"

"The fact Iruka was willing. So it wasn't a rape." Said the amused woman.

They reached the door and heard giggling from inside. Kurenai left out a breath of relief; she had feared her student would be heartbroken. But then the giggling escalated into full blown laughter and Naruto joined Hinata.

"Well, it looks like they're having a good time." Eye smiled the cyclop. He then opened the door to see Hinata, still laughing, sprawled on an equally laughing Naruto, both on the floor, with the blonde's arms wrapped around her waist. Interestingly, both of their jackets were on the floor, completely forgotten. Then, they interrupted their laughter to share a kiss, completely shocking Kurenai.

Hinata nuzzled the crook of Naruto's neck, a happy smile on her face. "Oh, Naru-kun, I'm soooo happy, my life long dream came true." She said, in a voice that clearly said she was half drugged.

"I'll be the best boyfriend ever Hina-chan. I'll make you real happy, I promise."

"Silly. *giggle* You already told me that plenty." With a happy smile and a small blush, Hinata went to kiss him again. After the kiss ended, Naruto saw Kurenai and Kakashi in the door way, and waved happily. "Sensei! Hina-chan and I are a couple! Isn't that awesome?"

"Naruto, I thought you were interested in Sakura?" Kurenai immediately cursed herself when she saw Hinata's expression go from happy to distressed.

"Saku-nee-chan?" Asked Naruto, clearly confused. Hinata on the other hand, wasn't confused at all, she was absolutely ecstatic and she made it known by kissing the hell out of her blonde. When she finally came up for air, she returned to nuzzling his neck.

"I'm soo happy, I was afraid you'd leave me when sensei talked about Sakura, I really like her, she's a great friend, but I don't think I could survive if I lost you now." Said Hinata with a small sad pout, and Naruto's face became slightly panicked as he pulled the bluenette closer, as if someone would take her away.

"B-but .. I can't leave Hina-chan! We didn't have any dates! I didn't have the occasion to make you happy! And it would make you sad! I can't do that! I love you Hina-chan!"

The eyes of both jonin widened in shock. But hinata simple rose a bit a kissed him tenderly. "I know my Naru-kun, I love you too." And she went back to happily nuzzling his neck, a calmed down Naruto simply lying back down. "Sensei, I feel like I got a new friend, someone awesome that got Hina-chan and I together, why is that?"

Kakashi eye-smiled. "That's the Log."

Naruto smiled and pulled Hinata closer to him. "The Log is awesome!"

* * *

Hinata placed a small candle in the Temple of the Log, and murmured her thanks to the Log, a gift of the Shodaime to his ninja. To her surprise, the bark on the front seemed to shift to form … a double thumbs up?

With an amused smile, Hinata left the Temple, a bounce in her steps, joy in her heart, and went to seat next to her boyfriend, who was masterfully beating Neji at poker.

* * *

**_Author Note 2:_**

_And done. Next I'll begin to work on something I promised at the end of It's Just a Dream, a chapter where my dear reviewers will get to throw things at Madara PERSONALLY! Let the fucker suffer!  
_


	10. A fair entertainment

_And here is another crack, this one was promised at the end of It's Just a Dream, thanks again to those that reviewed!_

* * *

As you walk into the Konoha fair, you feel excited, so many attractions, all managed by characters from Naruto. You notice that Shikamaru is sitting on the grass with a group of other lazy people, a small sign saying 'cloud watching simulator' nearby. Choji and Choza have a food stand, though you don't understand how they can make any profit, or why they're not eating with all this food in front of them. As you keep walking, you see a 'molestation stand' with Neji and Sasuke tied up while fangirls … well … molest them. A chuckle escapes your lips. Then, a flash of orange picks your interest. Soon, you find yourself in front of a bright orange stand with a red curtain. The curtain moves, and Naruto emerges in an obnoxious orange suit with an equally orange tie and a white shirt.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome! Today on the Uzumaki stand, a very unique attraction! A lottery with a very unique reward! The people with the selected number will be able to summon something from their house using this seal." Naruto points at a very complex looking seal. "And hurl it at …" The curtain part, and your eyes, along with everyone's widen in shock. "… Uchiha Madara! The very creator of the Moon Eye Plan and overall evil genius!"

"Come on kid, just because my plan almost ruined your life you're going to put me through this? You're quite petty you know?"

The crowd goes wild, everyone think of the things they could throw on Madara, who is tied up spread eagle on a metallic frame. You yourself have a few wicked ideas, who knows, you might get lucky …

"And now, a round of applause for my two helpers! First, my beautiful girlfriend, Hyuga Hinata!" Hinata comes on the stage, wearing a grey suit, the skirt reaching just below her knees. She smiles and wave to the crowd, and once again it goes wild. You hear a few grumbles from some persons that support other pairings, but they just had to read another fanfiction. "And our second helper, a great man whose hat I will one day wear, brought back here by the marvels of fanfiction, Senju Tobirama!"

Naruto points behind the crowd, and as everyone turns, another sealing matrix activates. In an explosion of smoke, Tobirama appears on top of some weird apparatus, looking like a giant metallic crossbow with strange mechanisms. He wears dark blue pants, a white shirt and a dark blue sleeveless jacket, the kind you see on the cliché bartenders. He raises his fist in the air, and the crowd answers. Once they finish with the introductions, you prepare to take your wallet to pay for a ticket but …

"Now, the tickets are free, this is just too fun to make you pay!"

"Brat, you lack any commercial sense." States the target.

"Shut up Madara!" Bellows the Nidaime Hokage, his hand drawn to a lever that probably fires the huge ballista.

Hinata passes through the ranks and distributes the tickets, and soon the lottery begins.

"Alright, the first winner is … Starfairy41s! If you would please head to the seal and summon your … is that … a sailor moon alarm clock? I understand why you want to get rid of it. Now hand it to Tobirama."

Tobirama takes the clock, put it inside the ballista and leads the lucky winner to a seat behind the machine. Some kind of cartoon cliché sight suddenly spring from the upper part and locks itself on Madara's face.

"Oh come on, you won't really do that, will you? I mean, come on, I just want world pea…" Apparently, staifairy is trigger happy, though you would be too in their place.

"Alright, next is … hey, there's a pall here! Chewie Cookies! Man, so many NaruHina fics! Alright go to the seal and … What the heck? What is this thing doing at your place?"

And that's a question you also ask yourself, for he summoned an old fashioned popcorn machine, the like of which you see more often in fairs. Tobirama is almost drooling, and Madara is paling. With a slightly deranged cackle, Tobirama picks the thing up and runs to the crossbalista.

"No! No! Are you crazy? That thing will kill me!"

"Aww, don't worry Mady, it's a fanfiction, you're immortal." Said Naruto, clearly trolling his prisoner.

"WHAT? You mean people can throw other things like THAT at me and I won't even be able to escape it through death? That's inhum …"

Apparently, Chewie Cookies has a twitchy trigger finger too. You take a moment to admire the magnificent curve the popcorn machine drew in the air, and the way it smashed right in Madara's face. He probably lost a few teeth.

"Alright, third is Midnight-the Angel of Darkness. You know the drill."

The winner summons a book –Fifty shades of Grey you notice- and goes to the ballista. Tobirama looks at the book, disappointed, but load it nonetheless. Midnight climbs into the seat, takes aim … but hesitates. Just when an annoyed Tobirama is about to intervene, he suddenly aims lower, shoots … and a high pitch scream tears through the air. You snicker to yourself. _'Good one.'_ A row of applause rise from the crowd, you're not the only one to think that.

"Fourth … A lady! Typical Swedish Girl, please could you go summon your thing?"

To your surprise, she summons a house cat, though you have to admit that the thing is sending slightly scaring glares around. Tobirama seems reluctant to come near the beast, and you understand him. Then, a highly disturbing scene happens. Tora, the cat, comes closer, with admiration sparking in its eyes, it then get out a small notepad and a pen from his fur and looks at the cat, like the little devil is asking an autograph. The cat gets out of her owner's arms and takes both the notepad and the pen, and it DOES give an autograph to Tora. The demon cat then mewl in joy and run off after repock … err refurring both items. The girl then pick the cat back up, moves to the front of the crowd and murmurs something in the feline's ear. In a blur, the cat is in front of Madara's face, its claws all out and murder in its eyes. With a mighty meow, it begins to scratch the hell out of the ancient Uchiha, with the crowd roaring in approval, chanting encouragements for the cat. When the cat return to the ground, Madara is in tears and his face is almost completely red from the scratching. Serves the bastard right.

"Alright, after this piece of feline fury, the fifth winner is Zeb910!"

The guy whoops in joy and runs to the seal, where he summons a bokken. You catch a gleam in Tobirama's eyes, but when he tries to take the wooden sword, the owner signal that he'd like a little something, and then murmur something in Tobirama's ear. The smile that appears on the former Hokage's face is positively wicked. Making a clone, he sends it to Naruto while he goes to the ballista to prepare everything. Quickly the same smile appears on the blond's face. When you see the metal frame to which Madara is tied to been turned around you, along with the rest of the crowd, understand what's to come. With a whack, the bokken is fired, and Madara lets out a squeal. Naruto grips the handle, twist the wooden sword a few times, and then rip it out. Madara is bawling his eyes out, but hey, who cares? Naruto then turn him back to face the crowd again.

"Alright, sixth, thegoldninjalegacy."

The winner goes to the seal and summons … a bunkbed. Big. Massive. Fully made of metal. Tobirama looks appreciatively at the furniture then pick it up effortlessly and loads it into the ballista. Another whack, a massive crash, and Madara is partly buried under the pieces of the bed. Tobirama is smiling maniacally while shaking thegoldninja's hand.

"Seventh, lili28shinigami! Over to the seal now please."

Shinigami goes to the seal and summons a tupperware full of rotten tomatoes, which suddenly cause a wail of despair to escape Madara's lips.

"Noooooooooooooo! How could you? *sob* How could you leave those poor, innocent tomatoes to rot? You monster."

Tobirama eyes the container for an instant, then shrugs. Shinigami open the container and hands it to the Nidaime who loads it into the ballista. Then, the Tupperware is fired, with the rotten tomatoes splattering all over Madara's face.

"Did you know tomatoes are sacred for the Uchiha?" asks Tobirama with a devious smile. "He'll have to eat all he can reach if he wants to stay true to his faith."

And indeed, Madara begins to lap what he can, a disgusted expression on his face. You're happy you're not in his place.

"Eighth, Lemon Maniac!"

And this time the weapon is a salami stick. A simple glance, and Madara is once again turned.

"Noooooo! Not again please! I'm sorry! I'll be good! I won't be an evil mastermind anymore! I promise! Gyaaaaaargh!"

Too late Mady. Seriously, the number of trigger happy people in this crowd is impressive.

"Alright, ninth is BombSquadNo.666."

From the depth of the seal emerges … a racoon. A feral, deranged looking racoon. For reasons unfathomable, it immediately dislikes Madara. With incredible agility, the beasts jumps from head to head until it launches itself at the old Uchiha … and then begins to claw his face out. Once done, it jumps down with something akin to a satisfied expression on its face. To your surprise, the cat from ealier jumps from its owner's arms and goes to the racoon, and the two begin what looks like a chat, probably about clawing peoples' faces out.

"Tenth, Hannah K!"

The girl summons a cactus, and then looks at Madara with a devious smirk on her face before slowly moving her pointer finger in a circle. Madara pales again, whimpering slightly while Tobirama looks like he could jump in joy. Madara is turned, the cactus is loaded, and the trigger pressed.

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Looks like the cactus didn't hit only one part of Mady's anatomy. A satisfied smile comes to your face.

"Eleventh, Belnonm!"

The guy goes to the seal, sneezing a bit, before summoning a trashcan full of used handkerchiefs, visibly spring wasn't nice to him, but at least it gives an occasion to humiliate Madara. Tobirama loads the trashcan in the ballista, and with one last sneeze, Belnonm pull the trigger. A whack latter, Madara has a new hat and some very disgusting tings on him.

"And Twelfth, SliceNDicer8!"

Your fellow fan goes to the seal and summon a stack of papers and a bottle of vinegar.

"Sorry, only one item." Say Tobirama. Not missing a beat, SliceNDicer simply pours the vinegar onto the paper. The stack is then loaded into the crossbalista, and fired. Like shuriken, the papers tears through the air and a bit through Madara's skin, the vinegar causing the wounds to burn and the Uchiha to squeal in pain yet again.

"And that is done! Thanks to all that participated! I hope to see you ag…"

With a sound of twisting metal, Madara frees himself.

"FREE! You will all pay now!"

But just when Madara is about to unleash his fury on the crowd, a hero *cough* comes to save the day.

**Author style, dynamic writing!**

Lord Farsight flies in, typing furiously on his laptop, and a barrier of words appear suddenly around Madara.

"What the fuck? And the fourth wall asshole?"

"Dude, I've had a twelve years old Hinata castrate two Akatsuki to protect Naruto, I created a ramen golem and raised a temple to the Log in the form of a bar, I've done so many crazy things in this universe that stepping in the story is mild at best. Now, time to end this."

**Author style, Doom of a Thousand Youth!**

A strange portal appears under Madara, causing him to fall in what seems to be a sunset, with waves crashing on rocks if your hearing doesn't betray you. You shiver.

"Now, I have done my duty! This fic is safe, I shall take my leave."

And the author, this hero, leaves the scene, walking away in the sunset in a display of otherworldly coolness that would make any self-respecting human jealous. Of course, the fact that he is writing your thoughts has nothing to do with your worshipping of him.

* * *

_And done! I'll have to think of new cracks, so it might take me some time to update._

_A huge thank to Syynex, my Beta, who avoided me the shame of many gramatical errors. Praised be Syynex, and of course praised be the Log._


	11. Panfury

_**Author Note:**_

_Hello public, welcome to another chapter of Crack collection. First off, I'd like to say that this chapter isn't intended to be mysoginistic, I have the utmost respect for women, if you feel offended by this chapter, feel free to throw a pan to my face in your review.  
_

* * *

Sakura looked at Sasuke in awe for a few moments before snapping out of her funk and giving the avenger a stern glare. If that idiot thought that a small display of coolness would get him out of trouble, he was friggin' WRONG! She had trained for three years to get his ass back into Konoha, and she'd be damned if she let him get away.

"Sasuke, surrender now or we will have no choice but to use force."

Sasuke smirked condescendingly. "And what can you do, Sakura?"

The pinkette smirked meanly, took out a scroll, unfurled it and unsealed … a pan?

"I didn't train only with Tsunade-sama, my mother trained me too! SHANARO!" With a mighty push, Sakura charged the Uchiha, and an epic battle began, metal clashing against metal. Yamato, Sai and Naruto could only watch, awed and slightly disturbed.

"So it is true." Murmured Yamato. "She is the daughter of Saki Haruno."

Naruto looked at the team captain, surprised. "You know her mom?"

"She made a name for herself during the last war." Explained Yamato. "Her boyfriend at the time, Sakura's father, had been captured by Iwa, and Saki, a simple civilian, set out to free him. She panned two Iwa battalions, and earned many nicknames. The Cooking Death, Saki the Pan Mistress, or the Panbringer. Iwa classify her as an S-rank threat, and Konoha as a SS-rank cook, a title she only shares with Teuchi of Ichiraku Ramen."

Naruto smirked smugly, he knew Old Man Teuchi was awesome.

"Saki traded blows with many a kenjutsu expert, including Mifune, the leader of the Samurai of Iron country, not one defeated her."

Then, a tied up Sasuke was thrown in front of them, anime rivers of tears falling from his eyes. "My sword, defeated … By a pan. So humiliating."

Sai looked on and wondered out loud. "I wonder what's stronger, the pan or the quill?"

Naruto looked at him like he was an idiot. "Why do you want them to fight? They're palls, the quill writes the recipes the pan cooks."

Before this highly enlightening philosophical discussion could progress any further, Orochimaru and Kabuto appeared, the snake sanin sending Kabuto to free Sasuke … only to see his glass-wearing assistant (and lover) sent back to him by an irate Sakura. Deciding to take things in his own (slimy) hands, Orochimaru attacked, beginning by vomiting an enormous amount of snakes, all of them with tiny blades in their mouths. Talk about creepy. But Sakura was prepared. She jumped high into the air and channelled chakra into her pan, unleashing a powerfull technique.

**Panjutsu : Induction Wave!**

A wave of fire shot from the pan, incinerating all the snakes, or more accurately cooking them, a nice smell filling the air. It was at this moment, seeing this massive firestorm, that the little pyromaniac living in all Uchiha made himself known in Sasuke. With a blush and a stupid expression, he looked at the one he suddenly dubbed his "fire princess" and immediatly began composing poems and songs about her beauty and strength, and just how hot she was. Orochimaru, seeing it failed, took advantage of the small distraction by darting to the side and abducting Naruto, intent on taking him hostage. But he was not to successful, for there was something - someone - That would not let him.

From the east, a blur of fury and jealousy slammed into Orochimaru at supersonic speed, sending him flying and wondering exactly what hit him … literally. When the dust around the area settled, the answer surprised quite a few people.

"DO NOT TOUCH MY MAN!"

A very flustered and irate Hyuga was smothering Naruto's face in her bosom quite possessively, much to the young blonde's shock and inward happiness. Sakura, a vile smile on her face, suddenly appeared behind Hinata, her hands on the heiress's shoulders.

"Say Hinata, I have a spare pan, how about a little tennis?"

Hinata turned to her, a murderous expression on her face. "I'm game, but only if THEY." She pointed at Orochimaru and Kabuto. "Serve as balls."

Sakura's cruel smile reached an all-time high. What followed was the most brutal match of tennis ever, with TWO human balls. In the end, Sakura won, much to Hinata's disappointment, though that quickly disappeared when Naruto went to comfort her and ask her on a date to see if it could work between them. As they returned toward the group, Naruto saw Sasuke's smirk.

"Mine won, dobe."

"Shut up, at least I'm not tied up you bondage freak." That shut Sasuke up.

Once they returned to Konoha, Orochimaru and Kabuto were handed over to the authorities, Sakura was proclaimed the new Pan Mistress, and she chose Hinata as her sworn sister. Any opposition from the Hyuga elders was panned mercilessly.

Sakura forced Sasuke to train under threat of her pan, making him train harder than ever, with promise of endless paning if he even thought of betraying Konoha ever again. Unknown to her, Sasuke was doing the training, not out of fear, but to please his Fire Princess. Yeah, to seduce an Uchiha, start a big fire. Hinata also used her pan to motivate Naruto, but in a way that left him smiling and patting his full belly.

Sasuke defeated Itachi and set about rebuilding the Uchiha military police, marrying Sakura a few years later, and asking that her pan bear the Uchiha crest, something she readily accepted.

Naruto and Hinata also got married a few years later after Naruto saved the world. While both Obito and Madara where asking Sakura to marry them after seeing her fire techniques, with Sasuke quickly beating them down into submission, Naruto used the distraction to seal the Juubi in his girlfriend's pan, thus saving the world and ending the 4th shinobi war.

A monument was built to honor the cooking-ware that saved the world, and Naruto became Hokage, Sakura and Hinata being proclaimed Pan Sages after a few years.


	12. Freedom

It was a sunny day in Konoha, the spring air was warm and there wasn't even a single cloud drifting on the endless azure sea of the heavens. But despite this beautiful setting, an ominous feeling floated in the air, causing many to worry and feel like something bad was about to happen.

Choji was looking upon his bags of chips like a hawk, Shikamaru was barricaded in the Nara bunker with a stock of food and pillows after abducting Temari to make sure she survived whatever would happen, Sasuke was looking around paranoically, fearing that his brother would show up while cursing the many fangirls that followed him out of worry, including Sakura and Ino.

Tenten was in her forge, trying to release some tension by creating more weapons that she would sell to improve her living conditions, Lee was ominously silent while training, not once shouting about the marvels of Youth.

Kiba was with Akamaru and the rest of the Inuzuka, fully equipped and on standby, ready to defend their pack and village, Shino and the Aburame clan were gathered, trying to decipher the frantic buzzing of their life long partners, but failing.

And Hinata … Hinata was following her crush discreetly, having the feeling something awfull would soon happen to the lovable Uzumaki, and she wanted to be there to help him if she could when it happened.

Naruto himself wasn't feeling too good, his stomach was cramped as hell, and he hadn't had any ramen in what felt like an eternity, but was in fact only three days. Hinata had been wonderful during this time, bringing him food when she could after learning there was a ramen shortage, but he hadn't seen her today yet, even if he felt like she was nearby. He had just gotten back from a month long mission with team 7 and barely had any ramen during that time, and with the shortage, he hadn't been able to catch up properly. It shouldn't bother him so much, but right now he couldn't help but wonder if ramen withdrawal wasn't the cause of his current bellyache.

Suddenly, a surge of pain made him fall to his knees and grunt loudly, catching the attention of everyone. Panic began to settle as red chakra began bubbling around him, before shooting into the sky. With a roar, the Kyubi ripped itself from the seal on our favourite blond, leaving him weakened.

"**FREEEEEEEEE! I AM FREE! After a complete century, no more shall I taste those foul noodles! No more ramen! NO MORE!" **Bellowed the demon, cackling maniacally.

Giant luggage formed out of thin air above the village, quickly caught by Kyubi's tails, and a strange hat appeared on the fox's head.

"**To the West!"**

With a dash, the mighty demon disappeared over the horizon at a speed never seen before, as if the gates of hell had opened to let loose an army of devils upon him, or more likely because there was a point of ramen energy gathering in the form of Ichiraku nearby. While the whole village was trying to recover from the shock, no one noticed Hinata, dragging Naruto away while muttering about a naughty nurse and a poor patient, a soft blush on her face.

* * *

_**Author Note:**_

_And that's it, two new chapters, one longer than the other. I hope you liked them, and that I won't get too many pans to the head.  
_

_As always, if you have ideas, don't hesitate to share them (though a bit more than 'do this, I don't care how' would be apprieciated)._

_And for those of you that wonder, I've been working on two, yes, TWO brand new fanfics. But one of them will be a lemon fest, the likes of which I have never written. I should be ashamed. I should.  
_

_Until next time ^^_


	13. Nursed (freedom part2)

**Author Note:**

_Behold, faithful reader! For the first time in Crack Collection, a Sequel! Several people asked for a lemon with naughty nurse Hinata taking care of her lovable and favorite blond patient, well here it is. I twisted it a bit for romantic purpose, but it's done. And it was hard to write it, you wouldn't believe how hard it is to write it in a poetic fashion._

_Also, you might find it a bit serious, but worry not, my dear reader, for there IS crackiness, don't worry._

* * *

Tsunade walked happily down the streets of Konoha, intent on visiting her favorite genin and his little nurse. The Kyuubi had escaped the seal just last week and, in the confusion and panic, Tsunade had had trouble finding her favorite genin and had even feared that he'd died. However when, in desperation, she had looked in his apartment, she had found the Hyuuga heiress diligently taking care of the blond.

She had only seen Hinata once before this whole mess started, and even had a bit of trouble remembering her name. Tsunade had always disliked the Hyuuga, but when she first met the girl, she didn't have any opinion on her. She just seemed like a polite 12 years old, a status difficult to attain for any Hyuuga in the last Senju's book. Now however, Tsunade could tell honestly that Hinata was, along with Shizune and Naruto, one of her three favorite residents of the Leaf. The girl hadn't panicked over the Kyuubi, even though she didn't know of it beforehand. And once it disappeared over the horizon, she had busied herself with making sure Naruto was fine.

Of course, her actions made her crush on the blonde teen painfully obvious to Tsunade, but the Hokage would sooner die than drive her away from Naruto. The kid deserved all the affection he could get, and Hinata seemed more than willing to give him some. Maybe she'd try to encourage the girl and subtly push the kid towards her. Finally reaching the door to Naruto's apartment, she knocked three times and waited for Hinata to open.

* * *

Hinata was in the kitchen making breakfast when she heard the three knocks on the door. Making sure nothing would burn, she quickly went to the door and opened it.

"G-good day, Hokage-sama. Please, come in." She said, stepping aside and bowing slightly. Tsunade smiled kindly at the young girl and stepped in. She removed her shoes and placed them with the others before following the 14 years old teen into the living room and sitting at the table. Hinata went to the kitchen, came back with the food, and placed it on the table before going in Naruto's room and retrieving the blond. The first three days had been nerve wrecking for her, mainly because Naruto was barely responsive. And the fact that the hospital was full of people wounded in the panic didn't help. But she had managed to make him eat and drink until he got better. However, that didn't mean he was completely back to normal, far from that.

His movements were sluggish at best, his mind still a bit foggy, and his chakra was in disarray. It seemed that the removal of the Kyuubi from his system had left his coils in a state of chaos, and it impacted his whole being. Now, his body needed time to readjust. And during this time, he needed help, help that Hinata would gleefully provide.

As she walked towards the bed, she sent a glance to the sleeping bag that rested in a corner, unused. She placed a hand on the blonde's shoulder and gently shook him awake.

"Naruto-kun." She whispered. "Tsunade-sama is here. She wants to see how you're doing."

Naruto stirred and looked at her. "Baa-chan?" He drawled out, too tired to actually mumble anything else. Hinata smiled at his nickname for the Hokage. "Yes, Naruto-kun, it's Tsunade-sama." With that, she carefully lifted him off the bed and, with his arm slung over her shoulder, helped him walk into the living room where Tsunade helped her seat him. Hinata tried to keep her eyes from staring at him, since he only had a shirt and his boxers on, and she didn't need Tsunade seeing her drool. Tsunade did a quick check up and declared that Naruto was doing quite good, then she asked Hinata to leave the room to ask him a few personal questions. So the young girl went into the bed room, closed the door, and sat on the bed. And struggled to keep herself from spying with the Byakugan.

"Alright, kid. I know you're better than you act. Spill the beans." Said Tsunade with a wide smile.

Naruto sighed and scratched the back of his head sluggishly. "Sorry, it's just … When she's doting on me like that … I feel like I'm important, like she cares. I don't … I don't want it to end."

Tsunade's smile softened as she looked at Naruto. "You know she does care. If she didn't, she wouldn't have ignored a gigantic fox getting out of your guts to get you to safety."

"Yeah, I know. It's just … she's showing it. I just … like it. I feel … loved." He said softly

Tsunade smiled bitterly. It wasn't often that Naruto looked so vulnerable, and it pained her heart. It was in moments like this that she realized that, beyond the mask of confidence and joy, there was a wounded heart. She placed her hand on his head and ruffled his hair a bit.

"Don't worry, she's not going anywhere until you're better. And even after that, the two of you will be much closer."

"I know, it's just … what if she doesn't like what she sees when she realizes that … all my boasting is just that … hot air?"

"Hey kid, it's Hinata we're talking about." Said Tsunade with a smile. "Has she ever been mean to you? Even when you failed in the Academy?"

Naruto stayed silent for a few moments, then smiled slightly. "No, she's never been mean. I … I think I can trust her."

Tsunade smiled and called Hinata back. Said girl had a very light blush on her face, prompting Naruto to hope she hadn't found his magazines. For a 14 years old boy, having this kind of things was normal, but it didn't mean their discovery had no consequences. However, Hinata gave no such sign. She seemed even somewhat happy, so he brushed it off. The three of them had a peaceful breakfast, talking a bit about what was going on in the village, and how people were taking the new situation, mainly the way his friends took the revelation of his link with Kyuubi.

To Naruto's happiness and Hinata's relief, they all accepted him without any second thoughts. Before long, it was time for Tsunade to leave, and she asked Hinata to come with her to talk about a few things. Naruto didn't pay it too much attention. Though, while they were walking away, his hormones decided to act up, and he found himself starring at Hinata's slightly swaying butt. Getting a hold of himself, Naruto internally cursed Jiraya.

* * *

Completely ignorant of her crush's interest in her behind, Hinata followed Tsunade outside the apartment. Her curiosity was piqued when the Hokage closed the door.

"Hinata, I want to thank you." Said the buxom woman with a smile. "I don't know if you realize just how much what you do means to Naruto."

Hinata tilted her head to the side, confused. "What I do? You mean … taking care of him? I just want Naruto-kun to get better and feel well." She said cutely and innocently.

Tsunade's smile grew slightly. "And that's what's so important to him. He has someone that shows actively that they care for him. He didn't have much love growing up. And when you dote on him like that, he feels loved.

"It's very important for him." Tsunade drew the girl into a hug, surprising her slightly. "I'm happy to know that you're the one taking care of him." Hinata tentatively returned the hug, feeling happy. Hopefully, Naruto would see her in a more romantic light.

Tsunade pulled away from the hug and gave Hinata another brilliant smile, making the young girl smile too. "Just keep taking good care of him, okay?" Asked Tsunade softly, and Hinata answered with an enthusiastic nod. The blonde smiled mischievously. "If he gets to clingy or kissy, tell me."

The heiress blushed at the thought of Naruto kissing her, and she failed to keep a small smile from reaching her lips. Instead trying to hide it behind her fingers. Tsunade began walking down the stairs before looking above her shoulder, an impish smile on her face. "And use protection."

"EEEP!"

The Hokage finally left, laughing loudly and mentally blessing the shy girl.

* * *

Naruto remained near the table, waiting for Hinata to come back in. He was amazed at how much he enjoyed her company lately, but what amazed him even more was that Hinata seemed to genuinely enjoy taking care of him. Naruto had always wanted to have people pay attention to him, and Hinata was giving him her whole attention. It was intoxicating. In return, he paid more attention to her and began to notice a few things. For instance, her blushes were downright adorable, her smiles seemed to illuminate the room, and her growing hair sometimes seemed to have a life on its own, flowing quite beautifully to the top of her back.

Quite a beautiful back, too. He wouldn't mind having his hands on it for a massage. Naruto stopped his train of thought. Was he becoming like the Pervy Sage? He shook his head, dismissing the idea.

But he had to admit it, was quite hard to avoid thinking of Hinata this way since she slipped in his bed every night to cuddle with him and was the one to wash him. Bath time was especially uncomfortable for him, and probably for her too if her furious blushing was anything to go by. And just yesterday, his 'little friend' had betrayed him by standing up to her. It wasn't his fault if her hands felt so good on his skin, right? Thankfully, she had ignored it all together. Had it been Sakura, he would have been nothing more than a stain on the wall.

He was jolted out of his train of thought when he heard the door open. Hinata came back in, blushing madly, a nervous expression on her face. Naruto couldn't help but feel annoyed. What did Tsunade told her to have her nervous like that? Now he couldn't see her smile, even if it was small.

Once again, Naruto stopped in his tracks and wondered exactly why he was so eager to see her happy and smiling or to hear her laugh. He never had that kind of impulse regarding Sakura. Maybe it was just because Hinata was such a good friend. A book landing softly on the table brought him back to the present. He looked at the familiar book, then smiled at Hinata.

"S-so Naruto-kun, ready for your lessons in etiquette?" Asked the shy Hyuuga with a small smile. Naruto nodded eagerly.

* * *

Hinata sighed. Those etiquette lessons were always a bit hard for Naruto, but he was getting better. She was absolutely elated when she realized that she had a way to help him towards his goal as Hokage. After all, a strong and well mannered ninja had that much more of a chance to become Hokage. But now, it was time for the most embarrassing part of the evening. Bath time.

Until now, she had stayed out of the bathtub. But if the plan to make her beloved hers was to succeed, she'd need to be more straightforward. Meaning she'd have to bath with him. Naked. The simple prospect of being naked before him was enough to make her a quivering wreck.

Would she really be able to go through that? She didn't know, but she hoped she would. Hinata automatically placed the book back in her pack and returned to the living room. She absentmindedly noticed that Naruto seemed a lot livelier, happier than the days before. The talk with the Hokage must have done him some good.

Mentally, she blessed the older blonde and thanked her for helping her beloved Naruto get better. Hinata tried to decide how to explain why she was joining him in bath and decided that, after all, acting like it was normal may be the best course of action. Quietly, she helped Naruto up and guided him towards the bathroom. They were both blushing heavily, yet tried to act casually. Hinata mentally rejoiced at the fact Naruto didn't make her already embarrassing situation worse.

Last time had been embarrassing enough, especially when his manhood had arisen, even though it was a nice boost to her morale to know she could arouse him like that. Another such boost had been the discovery of Naruto's private magazines and the fact that big breasted girls seemed to have his preference. Without a word, Hinata began to undress him, Naruto helping as much as he could, which was much more than he should have considering what he had shown her before. That gave her another morale boost, because it meant he was trying to keep her there as long as possible. He wanted to spend more time with her!

Hinata helped him slip into the tub and then began undressing too. Naruto's eyes widened and his cheeks flared. "H-h-hinata-chan! Wh-what are you doing?" Stammered the shocked blonde.

"W-well, if I'm i-in the tub too, it will be more … practical." Answered the blushing Hyuuga, who was now almost topless, her light orange bra being the only thing between Naruto's gaze and her chest. Suddenly, she was very nervous about her choice of undergarment. Naruto, thankfully, seemed to accept her explanation and decided to look away to give her some privacy, something Hinata was grateful for.

Quickly, she discarded the last of her clothing, and slipped in the bath, straddling Naruto. Hinata was a bit unsteady, her knees shaking a bit, so Naruto tried to help steady her, but he only gripped her thigh. Then, Hinata felt something poke her. Something warm, hard, and a bit thick.

* * *

Naruto marveled for a moment at how soft her skin was and he felt the urge to stroke her thigh. Maybe even squeeze her behind a little bit, just to try it. But he was brought back to reality when he felt his hardened shaft poke her and, due to his experience with Sakura, began fearing for his life. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see the pain coming. Though, if he was honest with himself, he would admit that dieing with a curvy girl atop him wasn't so bad.

"I-I-I-I'm sorry, Hinata! I swear I didn't mean to …" A finger against his lips stopped him from going further. He opened his eyes hesitantly, only to see Hinata's own eyes, their beautiful shade of gray with its tint of lavender.

"I-it's okay, Naruto-kun. It's not s-something you can control." Then she smiled sweetly at him. Naruto felt the urge to crush his lips against hers. To bring her closer and feel her body against his, but he squashed it.

He wasn't some pervert that would take advantage of Hinata-chan's kindness. He felt Hinata sit more comfortably on him abs as he let go of her thigh, but, with his sex up at full mast, it pressed against her plump behind. Hinata valiantly ignored it and took the shampoo, giving Naruto a very VERY good view of her chest. Naruto couldn't help but stare at the twin orbs, and didn't even notice as his hands moved to rest on her hips.

Though he did notice his manhood throbbing and pressing even more against her butt. When Hinata looked at him, he realized where his hands were and that he had been caught staring at her chest, then prepared for death. He only got a shy smile, and once again marveled at how kind Hinata was. '_Have I died and went to heaven? Because she sure does act like an angel.'_

When Hinata bent forward to wash his hair and almost placed her breasts in his face, the only reason his blush didn't increase was because it already was at its maximum. He had trouble thinking. It probably had to do with the very enjoyable massage Hinata was giving to his scalp and the arousing view of her cleavage almost shoved in his face. In the haze of his mind, he began to seriously consider kissing the two mounds, or perhaps rest his face between them and give a few licks, they looked delicious after all. It's when he was about to succumb to his impulses that Hinata drew back and began rinsing the shampoo out of his hair.

Then she took the soap and began to wash his body, arousing him further and causing his member to throb against her backside. Naruto was certain that, by now, he should have been dead. But Hinata just kept on washing him, her hands wandering on his skin, caressing sensually every inch of his body. She didn't know the effect she had on him. It felt so good that he was certain he had died, gone to heaven, and had been assigned his own personal angel.

Then, Hinata began to wash herself, and he was treated to the sight of her hands running on her skin, caressing her curves so beautifully. He almost moaned when her hands passed on her breasts, but contained himself, in fear of breaking the spell. Once she was finished with her body, she took the shampoo and began to wash her hair, but while she was doing that, her voluptuous chest was exposed to Naruto's ravenous gaze. Blue eyes followed a drop of shampoo that slowly slid into Hinata's cleavage, sensually descending in the glorious valley between these peeks he yearned to conquer. His grip on her hips tightened a bit, his manhood was throbbing madly against her round and squeezable butt.

Her lips were slightly parted, an invitation to kiss them furiously. Her core was burning against his skin, calling onto his manhood. Her heaving chest was dancing before his eyes, inviting him to kiss, lick and nibble. She wanted it, it was obvious. He would ravish her then and there, make her scream his name as he poun …

"Naruto-kun?"

Hinata's soft voice pierced the veil of lust like a knife, and immediately, Naruto felt disgusted with himself. He had almost jumped a very dear friend, someone that had helped him so much in the last week. He was an animal. He felt a hand under his chin, and his head was brought up, forcing him to look into Hinata's eyes. What should he do? Admit to everything?

She would hate him and leave him without a doubt! He had grown too attached to her to lose her like that, but he couldn't lie to her. He just couldn't. Apparently, Hinata had seen the remorse in his eyes, and only smiled kindly.

"N-Naruto-kun, are you okay?"

Naruto dipped his head in shame, tears stinging his eyes. Then, he felt Hinata's hand under his chin again, and his eyes were guided to her kind smile again.

"I-it's okay Naruto-kun. I-it is normal for people our age to h-have these kind of … thoughts."

"B-but I … wait … you … you too?"

Hinata looked down, blushing and taking advantage of the fact she looked embarrassed to shamelessly ogle the taut muscles of his chest. "W-well, y-you are … very handsome and … Well … I …" Hinata blushed some more, but Naruto felt better, knowing he wasn't some freak. He even felt some pride and happiness at being called handsome, especially by the Hyuga heiress. Once again, he felt the urge to claim her lips, but he settled for a hug instead. However, he realized mid-way that they were both still very much naked, and he would have stopped had Hinata not moved into the hug herself.

Naruto felt his arousal come back full force when her chest pressed against his, and the shuddering breath Hinata released in his ear didn't help calm him down. Far from that. Hinata pulled back slightly, her chest was still pressed against his. Her eyes were gazing in his. Her lips were slightly twitching, as if yearning to form a smile, but not having the energy to sustain it.

Their eyes were half closed as they slowly leaned toward each other, and their lips met, pressing softly together. Slowly, they began to move their lips, exploring this new sensation. Enjoying the tender contact. Naruto felt Hinata's hands move from his back to his neck, and her right hand further up and into his soaked mane, while his hands were traveling up and down her back, caressing it softly. At this moment, the only thing that mattered was that it felt _right_.

So perfectly and absolutely right, and he was overjoyed at the fact Hinata was at least as enthusiastic as him about the kiss. The beautiful Hyuga was pressing herself into him more, kissing with restrained passion. He could feel she wanted more, and he happily obliged. He parted his lips and slipped his tongue out, prodding at her lips. She gasped into the kiss, and Naruto took the occasion to test a bit, passing his tongue on her lips.

She sucked it in, caressing with her tongue what she had captured of his. When finally her lips let go of his tongue, he began to tease hers, caressing it, poking it then retreating away from the pursuing tongue, playing with it. Hinata moaned happily in the kiss, that sound caused an indescribable feeling in his chest. He felt so happy, knowing that she enjoyed it. After a few minutes of intense kissing, they had to come up for air.

They had waited until the very last moment to let go of the other's lips, and when they finally did, they took large breaths. Looking in each other's eyes, they smiled. Hinata rested her forehead against his and closed her eyes, a smile playing on her lips, looking like she was savoring the moment. The very idea was wonderful to Naruto, because it meant she loved this moment as much as he did. After a few moments she left out a contented sigh, and Naruto decided now was the best time to talk.

"Hinata-chan?" He asked softly, with a newfound fondness in his voice. Hinata opened her eyes and looked into his. All he could see was affection and care, and it spurred him on. She had liked it, after all, so she wouldn't reject him.

"I … I really, really like you." He said softly. He meant to say it proudly, but he was nervous despite the kiss, and it only came out as a shy but happy comment. Hinata looked shocked for a moment, then a brilliant smile blossomed on her face as a few tears formed in her eyes. Then, she dived for a kiss before he could ask why she cried, and through the kiss, he felt it was alright, that she was happy. When she pulled out, she gazed directly into his eyes lovingly.

"Naruto-kun, I really, really like you too." She said, her stutter lost with her last fears, before giving him a peck on the lips. "To be honest, that's part of why I'm here. I wanted to spend more time with you and help you heal."

Naruto's eyes widened. "You mean … You liked me before?" Hinata nodded. That blew his mind, he couldn't believe that such a pretty girl had liked him before they had time to really get to know each other, but it was a good shock. It made him happy. It meant the world to him.

And if Hinata liked him, it meant he could actually hope to have a family one day, right? But he wouldn't talk about that, he didn't want to frighten her. He feared family talk might drive her away. Oh, if only he knew. Naruto brought her closer, and began to kiss her again.

* * *

Tsunade glared at the white-eyed delegation in front of her. The Elders of the Hyuuga clan were being a pain. Demanding that Hinata was sent back to the compound, despite being told multiple times that she was currently on an important mission. And that the fact she was still within the walls of Konoha didn't matter. Right now, Tsunade trusted very few people to watch over Naruto, so she was NOT giving Hinata up. Finally, having had enough, Tsunade decided to play intimidation.

"Hyuuga-san, are you asking me to revoke an important mission?" Asked Tsunade in an ice-cold voice.

"We are asking for the return of our heiress. She certainly isn't needed to watch over some worthless orphan." Answered the spokesman of the group. However, he make a massive mistake. He angered Tsunade.

Now, while the blonde Hokage was always impulsive, she most of all wanted ways to make her enemies pay by any means necessary. And, to achieve this objective, she could prove VERY resourceful. As such, she had a way to get the elders to Ibiki in an instant.

"Are you all agreeing to this?" She asked calmly, and all the elders nodded. "Then you are all agreeing to traitorous words." That shocked them all of course; they didn't see how their demands were treason. "You asked, no, demanded, that a member of our forces be abandoned in his times of need while inside the walls of the village and while he desperately needs medical assistance. Considering the current lack of available medical personnel, Hinata is the only person qualified for the job... And you are demanding that I remove her from this mission, thus condemning one of us to either a slow death or extreme suffering."

She was exaggerating, but they didn't need to know that, now all she had to do was intimidate Hiashi into …. The vicious glint in the clan head's eye gave her pause. He had stayed silent throughout the meeting, but now it was time for him to talk. And talk he did.

"I am appalled by the behavior of my clan's elders, Hokage-sama. And, as clan head, I condemn it and wish to dissociate the Hyuuga from them."

"Yes, I understand. Such behaviour is indeed disgusting." Said Tsunade with disguised glee, not believing her luck.

"Revolting."

"Unforgivable even." Tsunade smiled cruelly. "So you will allow an investigation on them?" Asked Tsunade, already planning on sending a few Hyuuga Anbu on the case.

"Most certainly." Answered Hiashi smoothly. "However, I fear an investigation conducted by clan members wouldn't be impartial. As such, I feel the Anbu should do the job."

Now Tsunade had trouble keeping herself from improvising a victory dance. She didn't have to intimidate Hiashi! He was going along gleefully and even making her job so much easier.

"Very true! Anbu! Take them into detention for the duration of the investigation!"

Immediately, two squads of Anbu appeared and incapacitated the dumbfounded elders before taking them away. Once she was alone with Hiashi, Tsunade let a gigantic smile blossom on her face. She looked at the clan head, only to see him halfway to the door.

"Hiashi?"

"Forgive me Hokage-sama, but the clan lost an important part of its governing system … unless there is hope to see them return?" Asked a clearly not enthusiastic Hiashi.

"I'm afraid not. I foresee a lot of problem in the future for them."

Hiashi nodded. "Well, in this situation, I must do what every sensible man should do: confer with my wife. Goodnight, Hokage-sama. Please send my regards to Naruto-san and my daughter." And with that, Hiashi was gone, a spring in his steps, leaving Tsunade surprised. Then, she shrugged and took her sake. She had something to celebrate, after all!

* * *

Hitomi Hyuga looked at the moon forlornly. She had been sent into isolation after the birth of her second daughter because the elders feared she would "taint" her like she did Hinata. How is loving your child a sin? She had been cut off from her family for nine long years. Wondering how her children were doing, fearing for them.

She had seen an abduction attempt on her eldest, and now Hinata was a kunoichi too from what she had heard from the few servants that came here. With yet another sigh, the Hyuga matriarch looked down, feeling a bit more morose than usual. Then, she saw someone that made her heart skip a beat. Hiashi, walking purposefully toward her, a smile on his face. He shouldn't be here. Seeing him only to lose him again would be too painful. She had to drive him away to avoid pain.

"Lord Hyuug…" That was as far as she got before Hiashi's lips crashed on her own, crushing what little determination she had. He pulled her to her feet and against his torso, kissing her with the passion of a man that hadn't seen his love in a decade. When he finally pulled back, Hitomi knew that fighting was useless. She didn't want to anyway.

"The elders …" She mumbled dazedly.

"Are not a problem anymore." Answered Hiashi with a smile. Hitomi was shocked. "And we can thank Hinata for that."

Hitomi's eyes widened, then her lips curved into a brilliant smile. Now she could get her family back, and at last see her daughters again.

* * *

Three days had passed since their first kiss, and Naruto couldn't have been happier. Hinata was very affectionate, but that was okay. So was he. He really enjoyed all the kisses and the snuggling. The etiquette lessons in particular had become that much more enjoyable.

And, when he did well enough, he would get a nice reward in the form of a heavy make out session. Not that he needed to do well in his lessons to get those, it was just an awesome incentive. Another thing Hinata had begun working on was teaching him a lot of things he missed and now he understood a lot more things. He honestly wondered what he'd do without her.

Right now, it was the middle of the night. They were, once again, in his bed, almost naked like the three previous nights. Naruto only had his boxers on and Hinata only wore panties. They wanted to be as close as possible, so they only tolerated these articles of clothing because they made sure they wouldn't go too fast and didn't get too much in the way of skin contact. Perhaps it was because they had both been deprived of love during their childhood, but they craved affection, and especially manifestations of affection.

Waking up to the face of someone they held so dear had done wonders for them both, especially since the first thing they did was a good morning make out session. All those happy thoughts went through Naruto's head as he played the part of being asleep, his head on her chest, as she raked her fingers softly through his hair. He enjoyed feeling her give him shows of affection when she thought he was asleep. It kind of made it all more real. He still had trouble believing there was a girl that liked him.

Then, he heard the window of his bedroom being opened. But since Hinata didn't move, he guessed it was someone she expected. It surprised him, but he reasoned that she probably had her reasons for not telling him.

"So, you got the kid to bed you?" Asked a teasing voice Naruto only knew too well. It was the crazy snake lady from the exams, Mitarashi Anko.

"N-no, Anko-san." Answered Hinata, a bit flustered. "We've not gone so far. It's way too early in our relationship."

"Girl, you're hopeless. You won't get him to be your slave without bedding him."

Naruto felt his heart being stabbed with a fragment of ice when he heard that. It couldn't be true. Hinata wouldn't have done that, right? It had all felt so real, how could it have been a lie? Then, he felt Hinata's grip tighten on him.

"Mitarashi-san." Said Hinata in an arctic cold voice. "I will say this once, and only once. I do not plan on making Naruto-kun my slave. I want him to love me like I love him, not to be my pet."

"Girl, you're acting stupid. Men are swine. If you don't make him dependent on you, he'll cheat on ya without a second thought."

"Leave. Now."

"Pff, fine." A moment of silence. "Oi, blondie! How long you've been awake?"

Naruto felt Hinata stiffen. After what he had heard, all fear of betrayal had been thrown out of the window. So he tried to comfort her by hugging her a bit tighter.

"I didn't fell asleep. I heard everything. Please leave my house. My girlfriend and I are currently in the middle of some very important cuddling." Said Naruto before snuggling Hinata's chest some more.

"See? *snort* He likes your boobs more than you." Then, Naruto heard the sound of someone jumping and the window closing. Finally leaving his spot on Hinata's chest, he looked in her eyes.

"Hina-chan, please be honest. What are your feelings for me?"

"I … I love you, Naru-kun. With all my heart." Murmured Hinata. Naruto nodded, he could feel the honesty roll off of her.

"Did you try to manipulate me?"

Hinata seemed hesitant for a moment. "W-well I … I did try to entice you with my body." She said meekly. "I hoped you would begin to see me as more than a friend, and that maybe I'd be able to win your heart." Her voice began to tremble as tears formed in her eyes. "I-I just wanted to hold you, to be able to kiss you, to … to feel your love. P-please don't hate me, I'll do anything, just … please don't hate me."

Naruto looked at her for a second before smiling. "Anything, huh?" Hinata nodded eagerly; hope shining anew in her eyes. Naruto leaned forward until their foreheads touched. "Then keep loving me." He breathed, before kissing her softly.

* * *

The whole main branch had gathered this morning at Hiashi's call, curious to see what the head of the clan had to say. The first thing they noted was that the elders were absent. The second was that Hiashi's wife, supposedly sent into isolation, was also there. And the third was that, while Hiashi's expression was as schooled as ever, Hitomi had a very satisfied and happy look on her face.

"Thank you for gathering. Three days ago, the elders were accused of betrayal. And, as such, an investigation was conducted. Hokage-sama just gave the results. And I am saddened to say that our elders have been judged guilty, confessing themselves to a number of crimes, and been executed. Due to this unprecedented situation, we must adapt."

Shock settled in the room as Hiashi's sweeping gaze traveled the room. Shock was written on the faces of all the members, and he could see hope shine in the eyes of a few female members who wished to protect their younger children. Then, Akimitsu, the son of the previous Hyuga seal-master, seemed to over come his shock. He had always despised his father, and by extension the seal he held so dear, but had been forced to go along and even had to brand his own younger son. Now, he had a way to destroy everything his father defended, and he would take it. Though, before he could talk, another main branch beat him to the punch.

"But what are we going to do? Without the elders, the clan will fall into disarray! Who will keep our traditions alive?"

"Who will keep the Side Branch in check?"

"Who will teach the Hyuuga values?"

"Who will stop us from giving into excesses?" After that, there was a small pause as people began to consider the opened possibilities.

"Who will brand our children and destroy our families?" A woman asked softly. A simple question that triggered a chain reaction.

"Who will stop us from meddling with the other citizens?"

"Who will stop us from pursuing the career we want?"

"Who will stop us from expressing our feelings?"

"Who will stop us from having fun!"

The people in the room began to smile widely. "Does that mean what I think it means?" Asked a man.

"Party time!" Was his answer from several persons in the room. In a joyous chaos, the Main Branch of the Hyuuga left the room, Akimitsu cackling gleefully about a seal having seen its last morning. Hiashi looked at them with a smile on his face. He then got to his feet and helped his wife up. But, before she could do anything, he slung her over his shoulder, keeping her in place with a hand on her ass.

"W-what? H-husband, put me down this instant!" Said Hitomi in an outraged voice.

"I fear not, my dear. There are important matters that must be discussed in our room."

Hitomi smiled amusedly and retaliated by reaching for Hiashi's rear and giving it a good squeeze through his kimono. "Oh really now?" Hiashi smiled. He loved his life.

* * *

Three weeks since the Kyuubi escaped Naruto and Hinata already had trouble remembering her life before that point. She recalled that it hadn't been very happy, but, beyond knowing that, it was foggy. Not that she especially wanted to remember it, she was just fine living in the moment. After the nightly talk with Anko, they had gotten even closer and Naruto seemed even happier, perhaps because he felt even more loved now that he knew to what extremes she was ready to go to earn his affection. Whatever the cause, he seemed happier than ever, and it made Hinata elated to be part of his happiness.

They also had gotten more comfortable with each other, and wore less and less clothing. Nowadays, Hinata only walked in the apartment with her panties and one of his shirts while Naruto was content to wear only his boxers, except when they had guests of course. Like Tsunade last night. Such lack of clothing had only one logical consequence: an increase in lust on both of their parts. They had decided to explore this new world of desire together, and it wasn't rare for their make out sessions to include a good deal of groping.

Four days prior, they had their first try at oral sex. And while they both confessed to finding their mate's essence's taste a bit strange, they both thought that the pleasured look on their beloved's face more than made up for that. Hinata was humming to herself as she cleaned the dishes, happy with her new life and hoping she'd be able to extend it after Naruto was back to full force. Then she felt a pair of very familiar arms wrap around her waist, causing her to smile joyously. A smile on her face, she turned her head to the side, meeting his lips in a soft and loving kiss. When the kiss stopped, he looked in his eyes, a wide smile on his face.

"Hina-chan, I have great news." Hinata hummed interrogatively, wondering what that news were. "Last night, my talk with Baa-chan helped me sort out my feelings. And I can say that … I love you."

Hinata smiled widely. She was not surprised. His actions talked of a deeper affection than just 'liking', but she was happy that he told her that so soon. "I love you too, my Naru-kun." Once again, they kissed softly.

However, the kiss didn't remain soft for long, and soon turned more passionate as Naruto's hands began to wander her body. Hinata moaned in anticipation when she felt his right hand slip into her panties as his left cupped her breast, massaging it softly. His hand only caressed her folds for a few seconds before he dipped a finger inside her, causing her to moan loudly into the kiss. She always marveled at how wet he could make her in a matter of seconds. Any more thoughts were erased from her mind as Naruto picked up his pace, pumping his finger in her in all the right ways. Brushing every one of her spots he could reach.

Naruto stopped and exited her and Hinata, in her dazed state, could only whimper in disappointment. She turned her head to look at him pleadingly, and was treated to the sight of her man sucking sensually on the finger that had been inside of her, arousing her further. When he began to lead her to the table in the middle of the room, she understood what he had in store for her and got even more excited. He made her sit on the low table before kneeling in front of her. Naruto kissed her lovingly.

His hands caressing her sides, fanning the flames of desire, but it was secondary what really mattered was the feeling of shared love that enveloped them. Naruto pulled back, and they gazed into each other's eyes, smiling, then she felt his hands slide down her sides, grip her panties, and pull at them. She raised her hips off the table, allowing him to slip them onto her thigh. Then, Naruto softly pushed her torso so that she lay on the table while Naruto slipped her panties off. Then, he parted her legs and moved in between them, kissing his way up her thigh while his hands pushed her shirt up, exposing her breasts before palming them, just as his face reached her flower.

His hands gave a gentle squeeze to her breasts as he breathed her scent, then he dived in, kissing her flower teasingly. Giving long licks up and down her folds, all the while massaging her breasts and circling his fingers around her nipples. Under such ministration, she could only moan his name, groan in pleasure, and whimper in need, her hands resting on his head, tangled in his hair, silently begging for more of his devilish tongue. She could feel him enter her, coiling his tongue, exploring and tasting her. He seemed to have taken a licking to her taste, because he was incredibly eager.

His right hand left her chest and caressed her as it went to her treasure, two of his fingers quickly replacing his tongue as he went to kiss the little bundle of ecstasy he had found yesterday. He kissed it, licked it, sucked it, sending Hinata always higher, and before she realized it, she was flying over the edge, a drawn out moan escaping her lips as she felt her release wash over her. A smile was on her face as she felt Naruto kiss his way up her chest until his face was above hers, his elbows on each side of her face. He dipped his head and kissed her softly, inadvertently giving her a taste of herself, but she didn't care.

As he left her lips, Hinata gazed lovingly into his eyes, and she knew she could not deny her desires any longer. "Naruto-kun." She breathed, sending a shiver down his spine. "I love you and … I want you to be my first."

His eyes widened in shock, but she could see no repulsion in him. He was surprised, not put off. And, if the twitch she felt against her crotch was anything to go by, he wanted it as well. "Um, Hina-chan, isn't that going too fast?"

Hinata smiled at him kindly. "Does it feel wrong to you?" He shook his head. "Will we love each other any less?" He smiled and shook his head again. "Then why wait?" asked Hinata before a mischievous expression made its way to her face. "Unless you're afraid I'll be the man."

"Oh, you're gonna pay for that!" Naruto assaulted her lips and gripped her ass as she wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. With agility fitting of a shinobi, he stood up with the added weight effortlessly and began to carry her to the bedroom. All the while, they kissed, their tongues playing together. When they reached the bed, Naruto pivoted to let himself fall on the bed on his back, placing Hinata on top.

Of course, the naughty Hyuuga took full advantage of this. She sat up, her plump behind resting on his crotch, feeling his every twitch. With a coy smile, she removed her last article of clothing, leaving her bare before his eyes, then she raised her hips and pulled at his boxers. Naruto raised his behind from the bed, allowing her to slip his boxers off, and quickly sent his hands to her hips to keep her stable. Once his boxers were on the floor, she sat on his abs, smirking when she felt his erection throb against her round cheeks and trailing her hands up and down his chest.

Suddenly, she was on her back, Naruto looming over her with an evil smirk. "I told you you'd pay." Before she could question him, he began tickling her mercilessly. Amidst mirthful laughter, she tried to retaliate, but he had the upper hand and he quickly pinned her wrists above her head with one hand while the other kept torturing her. When he finally stopped, she looked at him with a smile, her cheeks flushed and wet with a few tears of laughter. She had always suspected that Naruto would make intimacy fun, and she was proven right.

Then, she noticed the position she was in, and smiled seductively at Naruto. "Oh my, what are you going to do to me, poor, defenceless maiden?"

Naruto looked at her for a second before smiling impishly. "Why, I'll ravish you, of course." His smile descended into a smirk, desire shining bright in his eyes. "That will teach you to enter the fox den." He murmured sensually to her, sending a shiver down her spine.

"Yes, my fox." She said breathlessly. "Come and make me your mate." He smiled and kissed her. His lips felt hotter than usual, maybe because of the burning desire in them both. But it still felt as right as ever.

Their bodies pressed together, molding into each other. Their hands began to wander the other's body, caressing everything they could reach and fanning the flames of desire further. Naruto's right hand left her body and went to his loin, placing his hardened shaft at her entrance and poking it slightly. Hinata felt a shiver of excitement course through her when she felt the contact, and then disappointment when Naruto drew back from the kiss.

"Hina-chan, are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure my love." She answered with the most reassuring smile she could muster, trying to hide the frustration that was welling up inside of her. She had waited for years for this to happen, of course she was sure! Thankfully, Naruto seemed to have understood the message and began to push the head inside of her. It felt strange, a bit uncomfortable, but somewhat good.

But more than anything, she loved the fact that she was now one with her beloved Naruto. Finally, he reached the end, and his pleasure expression became slightly confused.

"Umm, Hina-chan, I … I heard there was something inside a woman's … uh."

"Yes my love. It's … It's called the hymen. Mine broke during training, so it's not in the way." She smiled at him lovingly, and felt a bit amused when a comical expression of realization appeared on his face. She pulled him into a kiss, pressing herself flush against him.

Feeling him against her and inside of her was exhilarating, but she wanted more, so she bucked her hips, prompting him to move into her. He began to piston inside of her, slowly at first, but he increased his pace steadily. Hinata began to moan out Naruto's name as the delicious friction increased. She blessed the sexual frenzy of the last few days; it had helped prepare them, making them a bit used to sexual bliss and allowing them to enjoy this more. Though, amidst the pleasure, she reckoned that nothing could have prepared them fully for this.

Naruto began to suck on the junction of her neck and shoulder, forcing mewls of pleasure out of her. Pulling her flush against his body and further stimulating her breasts as they slid on his chest in rhythm with their thrusts. Novices as they were, it didn't take long for their breathing to become ragged and their movements frantic. And suddenly Naruto's ungodly luck (though Hinata was sorely tempted to call it her own) kicked in as the blonde thrusted right into one of her special spots, causing an incredible rush of pleasure to crash through her and sending her tumbling over the edge with a scream of delight, arcing into her beloved and throwing her head back. Hinata distantly heard Naruto's exerted but pleasured grunts and felt an unfamiliar but welcomed warmth pour into her.

Naruto fell next to her, exhausted, and pulled her into his arms. They looked in each other's eyes, smiled, and kissed lovingly, snuggling closer and pulling the covers over them as they drifted to sleep.

* * *

One month after Kyuubi escaped, one week after they lost all contact with the Hyuuga. Tsunade was seriously getting worried. Never before had they lost contact with a whole clan, especially not when it was still **inside** the village. No traces of battle could be found near the Hyuga district like they could during the Uchiha massacre. And due to the privacy barriers that had been established by the clans around their compound, they couldn't know what was happening inside.

But that wasn't all; they had also lost contact with people that were on the same team as Hyuuga shinobi, like Tenten from Gai's team. And a few civilians that had Hyuga acquaintances had also disappeared into the district. As of right now, the only Hyuga whose health state she knew was Hinata. Sending a team of Anbu inside would be plain insulting, so she had to send Hinata in. But, since Naruto was back to full health, she would also send him inside to protect her favorite Hyuuga.

The Hokage briskly walked through the streets towards Naruto's apartment, two Anbu on each side of her. The crowd parted around them, whispering. Hoping she would address the Hyuuga situation. She was well aware that, should Konoha lose a second great clan, the situation of the village would turn VERY bad. But she had no hold over the Hyuuga situation right now.

Though, if worst came to pass, she could hardly see better than Naruto and Hinata to rebuild the Hyuuga. The only plus point was that all the bijuu had found a way to escape and fled over the sea and to the West, leaving their former containers weakened but alive. Finally, she reached the apartment and knocked. The door was cracked open, and Hinata's eye appeared in the crack. She gasped softly and opened the door a bit more, though she seemed nervous.

"Um, Hokage-sama, what can we do for you?"

"We need to talk, Hinata. I have an in-wall mission for you and Naruto, but I'd rather talk to you two inside. Can we come in?"

"Um..." Hinata hesitated a bit. "Y-yes, of course. But we … um … have to make ourselves … presentable." She said shyly with a blush.

Tsunade smiled affectionately at the girl. "Don't worry, we can wait a bit. Just don't be too long." Hinata nodded and closed the door. It reopened a few moments later, showing Hinata in dark blue pants.

"Please, come in and make yourselves comfortable. We will be at your disposal soon."

Tsunade and her retinue stepped inside the apartment, removed their sandals and went to the living room. Tsunade sat in the armchair with the Anbu behind her standing at attention. Hinata disappeared in the bedroom and closed the door in an effort to have privacy. Tsunade's highly trained hearing picked up a few words from the hushed conversation she had with Naruto, like "mission" and "no fooling around in the shower". Tsunade smiled amusedly at that.

Were they really that comfortable together? It seemed so, but she had to admit they were acting more and more like a married couple. After a few minutes of waiting and the sound of water running, the couple exited the bedroom fully clothed, Hinata wearing her new pale purple jacket and her blue pants and Naruto wearing a black jacket, black pants and an orange shirt. It looked like Hinata had finally managed to instil some common sense in that knucklehead. To her surprise, Naruto had a completely serious expression.

"Hokage-sama, you requested us?" That was another surprise, but a welcome one.

"Impressive. you did a really good job Hinata. He's actually acting professionally." Raised Tsunade, causing the young woman to blush and Naruto to let out a saucy grin.

"What did you expect? She's the best!" Said the ever enthusiastic blonde, showing that he hadn't changed deep down.

"Anyway, back to the matter at hand." Interjected Tsunade. "A week ago, the elders of the Hyuuga clan were executed for treason, with your father's blessing Hinata." The princess's face became one of shock, and a small light of hope soon light up in her eyes. "After that, we completely lost contact with the Hyuuga and a number of people connected to them.

As of now, you, Hinata, are the only Hyuga whose status I know. I need to know how the Hyuga are doing, and I can't exactly send an Anbu team inside without insulting your clan. I need you two to go inside and tell me how the clan is doing. Don't take unnecessary risks."

Naruto and Hinata looked at each other, and nodded.

"Good. Naruto, your role will be to make sure Hinata is safe and can return to report, though I'd be happier if you both come back unharmed."

Tsunade got up and the group made their way to the entrance of the Hyuuga district under the gaze of the crowd. It was the first time since the Kyuubi Escape that Naruto appeared in public, and people tried to avoid looking at him, visibly uneasy. What do you say to the one you segregated all your life when your reason to do so isn't there anymore? When they finally reached the gate, Tsunade wished them luck one last time.

* * *

Hinata was a bit nervous when she stepped through the gates, wondering what had happened to her family and clan. Imagining scenarios that kept getting worse. The idea of losing them terrified her, but she steeled herself and stepped through the doors. Nothing could have prepared her for what she saw.

On the right, a makeshift stage had been erected, three Hyuuga men on it, laughing while performing a French cancan for a public of hollering and laughing women, most of them Hyuga. On the left, a woman, definitively not a Hyuga, was teaching a group of her clansmen to use effectively senbon. Further in the street, she could see a group of children playing tag, a few of the older members of the clan looking over them with smiles upon their lips. She recognized a few branch members and noticed with shock that their foreheads were free of any seal. She stood stock still, her mind trying to comprehend the completely foreign vision in front of her.

It couldn't be. Her clan was calm, collected, cold, boring, and had no idea of how to have fun. What she was seeing HAD to be an hallucination. Naruto had no such trouble. Just one look upon the scene and he burst into raucous laughter, attracting the attention of a few Hyuuga.

Surprisingly, the Hyuuga seemed quite happy to see them and cheered loudly for them. Hinata, still shocked, waved back. Meanwhile, Naruto had reopened the door and she could hear him, amidst laughter, explain the situation to Tsunade. He visibly had succeeded if the powerful howl of laughter that followed was anything to go by. Naruto returned to her side, wiping a tear of mirth from his eye.

"So, Hina-chan, do we go great your folks?"

Hinata nodded numbly. She still had trouble believing what she was seeing, but she pressed on, wanting to see her father and hopefully get an explanation. As they walked through the streets, more Hyuuga greeted them warmly, showing always more spotless foreheads that used to be branded. To Hinata, it was a dream come true. Her clan was now one big family, members of both branches were walking together. Siblings no longer were separated, giving her hope that she could finally be to Hanabi the sister she always wanted to be.

They reached the house of the clan head fairly quickly and stepped inside, only to hear laughter come from the backyard. Hinata felt impatient and eagerly made her way to the garden. Sliding the last door open, she was greeted with a sight that warmed her heart and brought tears of happiness to her eyes. Sitting under a tree, her whole family was gathered. Neji was on the side with Tenten wrapped around his arm.

Her father had his back to the tree. Her mother was sitting between his legs and Hanabi was resting on her mother's lap. As soon as the door opened, they had all looked in its direction, and Hanabi had shot off like a rocket to tackle her sister with a gleeful scream.

"Nee-chan! You're back! Look, mommy's back, too!" Said her little sister excitably. Hinata, right now, was too moved to talk. She hugged her sister and looked at her mother in awe and joy, not believing what she was seeing. Hitomi Hyuga left her seat and went to her daughter, a soft smile on her face.

She lovingly caressed the cheek of her eldest. "Hinata, you've grown so much. You look beautiful." Hinata simply hugged her mother tightly for the first time in nearly a decade. Then, Hitomi looked at Naruto and the blonde saw mischievousness in her grey eyes. When she pulled away from her daughter, Hitomi gave her a suggestive smile. "And is this young man your boyfriend?"

Hinata, completely oblivious to her mother's attempt to embarrass, her only smiled brightly and nodded. "Yes. This is my boyfriend Naruto-kun." She said brightly, wrapping her arm around his while Naruto blushed lightly and smiled. Neji soon took Naruto apart to threaten his life should he hurt Hinata, with Hiashi surprisingly defending the young blonde.

* * *

One more week had passed and Hinata's parents had allowed her to stay with Naruto, to both of the youths' joy. Hinata had just returned with a mail, a rare occurrence for Naruto. She handed the envelope to Naruto and looked over his shoulder curiously. Quickly, it was opened and the picture inside was taken out.

It showed a fairly tall man with wild red hair, bright red eyes and the most vulpine grin ever, wearing only a short, with a bikini wearing girl on each side of him. There was a table in front of him with a wide array of exotic looking food forming two words. Fuck. Ramen.

"THAT SON OF A …"

* * *

**Author Note 2:**

_And done! And guess what? There'll be a sequel to the sequel! Yes! And this one will be Akatsuki's adventures in the West._

_Also, I have to inform you that, due to a personnal problem, Syynex is unable to beta-read my work anymore. Thankfully, Uzumaki Ricky came in and saved the day! But due to this change, you can expect some delay in the posting of my other fics._


	14. Western Mess (freedom part3)

**_Author Note:_**

_And here is the last part of the Freedom trilogie, Akatsuki's (mis)adventure in the West. It's kinda short, but I think you'll like it._

* * *

A group of men in black cloaks decorated with red clouds walked through the unfamiliar streets. In their homeland, the building often had curved walls, brute angles were relatively rare, and the concrete often was smoothed. But here, the buildings were angular, massive, and many walls showed the rough, naked stone that made them. The people of the land were also different, their eyes were rounder, their skin a bit paler. Even the weather was different, much damper and cloudier. The fighters of the land were also different, there seemed to be so many different types, so many more than in their lands.

They had talked to a native of the Elemental Lands that had found his way here, and he had quickly described the kind of warriors that dominated these lands. The majestic knights, clad in their armours of plate; the rangers, expert archers and forest dwellers, often found with an animal familiar; the magicians and their destructive spells, the equivalent of jutsu; the clerics and their healing spells, capable of erasing even the most horrible injury in an instant; the paladins, metal clad warrior monks in service of one of the many gods of this land; the brazen barbarians from the northern lands, fighting without armour, seeking glorious death to join their bloodthirsty gods; the rogues, stealthy fighters and thieves; and so many more.

The man had also depicted the things that plagued these lands, the necromancers and their armies of undead, the vampires, monstrosities that drank the blood of the living, the werewolves that were gathering in the northern forests, close to the barbarian lands, the occasional evil wizard, and various other things that could pose a threat even to a trained ninja. While facing such threats, the various kingdoms of the land had little time to engage in any kind of war, and after centuries of battle against these things, they had gotten pretty close, to the point that every king knew the others by their name, and was related to them.

To Pain, it looked like a dream come true, every man and woman, standing together, as brothers and sisters. Of course there was the lurking darkness, but at least there wasn't any war between humans. But they had come here for a reason, and that was to find the Biju who had, much to their chagrin, all fled to the West. Itachi, being their spokesperson, went to a couple of locals, two men wearing black suites; one had brown hair, the other black hair and a moustache. They were both reading newspapers with a picture of a massive nine-tailed fox on the front page.

"Excuse me." Said Itachi, causing both men to raise their heads. "My associates and I are hunting the fox shown on the front page, it is a massively evil being and we aim to eliminate it, would you know where it went?"

The moustached man nodded before talking in a rich voice. "Why yes, of course, there were sittings of it near Nelmar's dungeon, north of here, and now that I think about it, a gigantic bug with several pairs of wings was seen going into the Darklight cave network, south of the town, and some type of giant sand racoon was seen slipping into the Treant grove to the east."

"Thank you very much kind sir." Answered Itachi politely before going back to the Akatsuki and exposing his findings. Quickly, the group split. Pain, all six paths, and Konan would go to Nelmar's dungeon, Sasori and Deidara would leave for the Treant Grove to exploit the puppeteer's knowledge of Shukaku and lastly Itachi, Kisame, Hidan and Kakuzu would go to the Darklight cave, taking Tobi with them. Quickly, they separated and went to their target location.

As soon as they had left the town, the two men who had so helpfully given the directions smiled widely before changing. The moustached man turned into a red haired man with red eyes wearing a brown shirt and black pants, and the brown haired one turned into a man with dirty blond hair, almost golden eyes and a tan skin, wearing sand coloured pants and a white shirt.

"You know Kurama." Said the blonde one. "You're funnier than I thought."

"And you're saner than _I_ thought." Retaliated the red-head with a snort. "C'mon, let's go get Chomei before he bankrupts another casino."

"Yeah, yeah." Answered the blonde. "Though … can you imagine their faces when they'll realise they did all that for nothing?"

Kurama burst into laughter. "Heck yeah I can! Almost worth the weather!"

The two made their way through the town, until they heard a familiar and boisterous laughter that they decided to follow. At the end of the mirthful trail was a tall man with dark blue hair that looked almost iridescent, bright orange eyes, an eternal smile, Hawaiian blue short and green shirt and two huge bags of money, about to go inside a bank.

"Oi, bro." Said Kurama. "Have the casinos finally learned? Did they kick you out early?"

"Nope! I left on my own! I was about to put Fu-chan's part of the gains on the account."

"I still don't understand why you wanna give that girl all this money." Said Kurama.

"She's a good girl, has a nice attitude. Besides, she was nice to me, and she really didn't want what happened to her. And hey, maybe I'm sponsoring a future pop idol!"

"Meh, whatever, do your thing quick, we gotta go to the South, Isomu found an awesome beach resort, even Gyuki is relaxing!"

"Wha? You serious? Gotta see that!" Chomei disappeared inside the bank and quickly took care of his business before leaving town with his two brothers and going at full speed (quite fast) to the beach resort.

* * *

It had been four days since they had been pointed at the three locations, and they looked like shit. Deidara had come back alone, all six paths of Pain had been lost, leaving only the corpse like Nagato and Konan, Itachi looked positively paranoid, muttering about snakes and pedophiles, Kisame was jumpy, especially when people talked about cooking fish, Kakuzu was shaking like a leaf, and there were no signs of either Hidan or Tobi. They were all gathered around a table at their inn, their cloaks tattered and torn in various places, at least those that were still there. Finally, Nagato looked at them.

"Report."

"What the funking hell is there to report?" grunted Deidara. "There were funcking moving and talking trees, and Sasori decided he wanted to become one of them, something about eternal beauty of nature or whatever, my partner turned into a fucking hippy. I got thrown out of the forest as soon as I mentioned explosions."

" I see. Why are you three looking like you saw a ghost? And where are Tobi and Hidan?"

Kakuzu was the one to answer. "Tobi … got caught by some sort of plant or worm creature that dragged him down a hole, by the time we managed to get the creature out, there wasn't much left of him, he was instantly paralysed and burned with very powerful acids. After that, we went on, and by some weird twist of fate, we found ourselves in front of a complete tribe of prehistoric morons hellbent on sacrificing us to a bloodthirsty god, of course Hidan was happy with that, heck, he even fell in love with the head priestess. While they were performing some weird ritual that I'd rather not talk about, we sneaked away, and then we got ourselves in a room that showed us our worst nightmare."

"Your … worst nightmare? How could that stop you?"

"BECAUSE IT WAS HORRIBLE!" Exclaimed Kakuzu, tears almost flowing out of his eyes. "You don't realise, there was money everywhere, but it had no value! It was nothing more than useless paper!"

"No! Not the knife! Not the knife! I'm not a fish dammit!" Shrieked Kisame.

Itachi suddenly got up, fire in his eyes. "I won't let that Snake rape my Brother!" He spat, tearing the remains of his cloak off him and storming towards the door.

"Hun, and you Pain?" Asked Deidara.

"It didn't go well. *sigh* My path had barely walked three paces inside the building that this Nelmar character, apparently a necromancer, took control of them. Konan barely got out of there alive."

"So we failed, hun?" Surmised Deidara.

"For now. It will take time, but I will be back to full force soon, and then we will storm these places and take the Biju for ourselves." Answered Pain in a dark voice.

* * *

Meanwhile, a few hundred miles down South.

"Aaah, this is life."

"Tell me about it."

Eight men and a woman, all wearing swimsuites, with the occasional Hawaiian shirt, were relaxing on the beach, sitting in lawn chairs.

"So, you decided what you'll send to your containers?" Asked Matatabi, clad in a blue bikini, letting her blue hair flow down her back.

"Yep, I'm gonna send lil' Gaara a video, I think I screwed his life up enough, time to make it better. I just know he'll looove this way of feeling alive." Said Shukaku with a perverted smile.

"Tsk, ero-tanuki." Muttered Matatabi. "I for one know that Yugito will enjoy the two piece I chose for her, along with all the fine lingerie I got her."

"Hm, my last container kind of died." Said Isobu, a bulky man with sea-green hair and a tan skin, in a sad voice. "So I got no one to send a present to."

"Hmm, like they're worth the time." Said Son Goku, a tall man with fiery red hair and a beard. "I hate Roshi, he never used my name. So, just to annoy him, I decided to send him a pack of adult diapers. He's getting old after all."

"You're evil." Said Kokuo, a kind looking man with white hair. "Personally, I kind of liked Han, poor guy was always so lonely, and he always dreamed of a family, so I picked a nice suite and a guide on fathering, hopefully that will help him."

"That is nice of you." Said Matatabi, smiling affectionately at her brother. "And you Saiken?"

"Me? Oh, the gift isn't directly for Utakata, I decided to send a bikini to his student Hotaru, he'll thank me in the end." Said Saiken, formerly an oversized Slug, now a man with platinum blonde hair and a slightly rotund belly.

"You're just so cheap." Said Chomei. "I decided to give Fu-chan plenty of stuff! First I bought a new apartment for her in Taki through a long distance transaction, then I had it fully furnished, it'll be like a 5 star hotel room, only she'll own it! And then I picked a few manuals on singing, she always liked that, so it's gonna be good for her, and then I picked a few clothes for her with Mata's help, a few bikinis, some dresses, she's gonna be lovely in those, and to make sure she never is hungry again I'll send her the number of the account where I've been pouring my winnings."

"Shut up Chomei." Grunted Kurama. "Not all of us win at poker simply by being there."

"You're no fun Kura. And you Gyuki, what did you get for Bee?"

"Rapping for dummies."

A moment of silence flowed before Matatabi giggled. "It's true that old Bee really needs it. And you Kurama, what did you get for your former container?"

"Remember that photo I took yesterday?" He answered with a feral smile.

* * *

**_Author Note 2 :_**

_And that is done! So, liked it?  
_

_Anyway, I find my self lacking ideas for more crackyness, so please send something if you can._

_And feel free to leave a little something in the reviews to say welcome back to my Beta, Syynex!_


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